Welcome to PC!

It sounds like you have a lot going on. You're aware of alcohol being a problem. Sounds like you may have depression, though I am not qualified to really say. It more so depends on how long you've been feeling depressed and hopeless. And from what you say, perhaps schizophrenia.

Can you see a psychiatrist or doctor while you are traveling? It may be a good idea to get evaluated for your symptoms and to possibly get on medication, depending on your symptoms and diagnosis.

While traveling is wonderful for personal reinvention, eventually you will need to face what's going on with you from wherever you are.

Others will have good advice for you and support. PC is a great place for this. (((hugs)))