For years I was very angry, but very very passive aggressive. I lied, to protect myself. I lied out of fear. I exaggerated profusely so that people would listen to me.
I manipulated to get what I wanted, because asking for it got me no where. And I only chose people to be in my life that continued the abuse.

I was a perfectionist in the worst way. Any mistake I made no matter how small reduced me to tears and fear in a heart beat. But I also expected a great deal out of others. No one was a human being. . . especially me.

And speaking of being a human being. . . I didn't feel like one. I felt off somehow. Very off. . . like I was born as either some sort of a deformed monster, capable of bringing out the very worst in people just by standing next to them, or I was something soooo special and soooooo 'chosen' that I couldn't possibly live up to what I was supposed to be. If that makes any sense. I battled this one for years. Even after I had been in therapy, this one was a real battle to get through. This is less than 5 years resolved, now. I remember crying at night begging God to 'just let me be a human being. Please, just let me be a normal human being.'

Then I got into therapy. And stayed there for quite some time.

I stopped lying. Even if I'm afraid I tell the truth. If abuse flies from the truth, I have learned better ways to deal with it. A child can't often leave the situation when it starts to get heated. . .but by God, and adult can!!

I don't exagerate - though I do write, and I use exageration in the fiction I write. . . great outlet for being both heard, and for weaving those TALL tales!!
But when I am relating to another human being I say what I mean and mean what I say, I ask if they understand or ask them to feed what I said back to me in their own words, and make adjustments from there. And if they do not listen, I find someone who will.

The problem of finding people in my life that are not abusive is something I am always working on, and will probably work on for the rest of my life. I'm beginning to find out HOW to look, and what to look for. I'm beginning to set standards for what I look for in a friend/lover/associate. . .etc. I did this somewhat when I found my current husband, and he is not nearly as abusive as my ex husband was, but he is still pretty harsh.

I used to take abuse like a lamb. Didn't get angry, didn't fight back, didn't tell any one. Just took it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from therapy are the words "I will NOT allow you to treat me like this!!" and if I have to, screaming it, and fighting back. Defending myself. Hard. I'm worth defending myself for. The FIRST time I did this was the LAST time my ex husband ever touched me. . .scared the daylights out of him. All the sudden he wasn't picking on someone weaker than him, he was picking on someone who was ANGRY - and he wanted nothing to do with someone who might be a challenge.

I still tend to minimalize things, still. I remember when I met my husband, the things I saw that were RED flags were things that 'oh, I can deal with that. Oh, I'm strong enough to love him anyway. . .. oh, that's not so bad.'

This is the first time I've recognized this (while I kick myself in the butt big time!!). But I talk myself into allowing abuse or accepting abuse in the above way.

On the personal side of this, I tend to dissasociate probably better than the average bear. I'm still learning about this. I have triggers, and I'm still learning about those too. I was triggered New Years Eve, and began to look at what was really happening, and for the first time, instead of allowing myself to go into never never land, I removed myself, took care of myself, and calmed myself. (All it took to trigger was to read something.) I remember the day well, I didn't lose it in a fog of lapsed memory. I did it!! (Party party!!)

I tend to be very very creative. I draw, I sculpt, I write, I often can see the not so obvious in things - when people are stuck and can't move forward. I tend to think out side of the box - often. It's been a great asset to me. I used my art, writing when I was young to be able to have a voice. Now I have a voice, and I use to for stress relief, or just because I love to do it. I think outside the box because in my youth I was constantly trying to find answers, anything that worked. . . and I often found the not so obvious to work many times much better than the obvious that everyone knew about and would catch me at!!

(I hid things that I needed to protect in my mother's own bedroom. She had a habit of destoying my things. She never ever looked in her own closet for the things I cherished!! - I still have those cherished things today. They were the only things she did not destroy.)

I guess my point is: Though there were a lot of coping mechanisms that I had to change because they were not healthy and really did not work for me very well as an adult, and even though I am STILL learning how to chose/have/hold a healthy relationship, there were also things that the abuse honed in me that are also positive and work very well for me, too. They were also coping mechanisms, but they are valuable, and do not need to be discarded, in fact they should not be discarded. They make me . . .me.

I'm still growing, still learning. . .will always try to grow and learn, and reach for that healthy, loving, kind, supportive, EQUAL relationship. But it has truly been a journey, and will continue to be. I don't look for the perfect relationship...I'm looking for a healthy one. I don't know if I will ever get there. . .but perhaps one day. . .I have hope.


Bethanna