In 2011, I got diagnosed with "pulsatile tinnitus." In a quiet environment, I can hear my heartbeat. I was sent to an audiologist and tested. She told me that my hearing was less than normal, though I did not feel there was any impairment at all. She even said I would benefit from a hearing aid, which I thought was absolutely nuts. I am typically asking people to lower their voices.

Well, last week, I noticed this hum inside my head. I can't say, for sure, when it started. But I started noticing it, especially in bed. My PCP says it's probably related to "sensorineural hearing loss." I feel like my hearing is normal, but I do seem to be "leaning in" and, during phone calls I ask people to repeat things rather often.

I always thought that hearing loss meant you plunged into a world of silence. Well, there's nothing quiet about this new world I've entered, and I'm a bit dismayed. I feel sad that I guess I'll never again know the tranquility of complete stillness. When I was a child, I loved visiting churches when no one was there because, even in a city, they were places of unique stillness. I've cried this past week considering that the experience of genuine quiet is lost to me.

As degenerative physical changes go, this is hardly a tragedy of the first order. I still converse normally and enjoy music and the chirping of birds and the sound of wind. I even completely lose awareness of "the hum" when I'm surrounded by ambient noise/sounds and when my attention is absorbed by things outside of myself. My own voice completely drowns it out. Still, I feel saddened.

What I hear in my head is not horrible to listen to. I've heard and read of folks driven half-crazy by various types of tinnitus. Mine's not that bad. But it's there. Time alone in a still environment will never, ever be the lovely thing it once was for me. I guess the one-note "tone" will always be with me. I'm disappointed. Worse things could happen, but I had no idea to expect this, even though I already had mild tinnitus. What else is likely to happen with my hearing . . . like ten years from now?

If anyone with hearing issues would like to tell me anything, I'm all ears. I'm fearing that life is just not going to be that good anymore. Then . . . it never was for very long.