I'm really not much given to self-diagnosing because I know how many options there can be to account for any given symptom. When I first noticed the pulsating whoosh in my left ear, I got fully worked up. That was back in 2011. I had read that this symptom could be the prodromal to a stroke. I actually went to the emergency room. A vascular surgeon was called to consult, and he ordered doppler ultrasound of the blood vessels in my neck, followed by CT scan of my head. I was later seen by an ENT specialist. I was thoroughly tested by an audiologist. I have very good blood pressure. So I suspect it just is what it is.

I may ask to be referred back to the ENT specialist. He held out no hope the last time. He was rather gruff. He basically said it's all what you make of it. He told me I can get very depressed, if I let it get to me. He pretty much said it's all up to me what attitude I want to take. I don't particularly want to get that lecture again. I wasn't even complaining to him. I was just there for information, and he got to moralizing in a condescending way. My condition isn't that distressing. I know it can be an awful cross to bear for those who have a bad case. I hope I don't someday have to find that out first hand.

I just didn't know, back when I could listen to silence, that someday that would be taken from me. I didn't attend rock concerts or blast my stereo. I walked out of movie theaters that had their sound way too loud because hearing is to precious to put at risk. I still seem to hear just fine. It's just that I also have to listen to this other sound - this hum . . . this one-note tone.

A number of things have gone wrong lately. Tonight, I just feel like I'm losing interest in trying to keep up. My boyfriend can't hardly walk or, at times, swallow food. Yet, he sits across from me happy to be watching TV and glad to be alive. He's not disappointed in life. But, then, I spend my days and nights trying to make things as good for him as I can. The TV is turned to the station that he wants to watch. Someday, I'll be able to set the channel according to my viewing preference . . . . . someday . . . . when I'm all alone. That's what I can anticipate - freedom to do whatever I want . . . . when there's no one around to care what I'm doing.

The little losses (like this ear thing) and the bigger anticipated losses . . . . just piling up. I'm saddened . . . . and, now, depressed.

Thank you, Skeezyks, for sharing your experience. People do come through hard things.