Fluff,
I questioned if I'm with the right T from the very beginning and still question it today. But she has helped me settle down some of the craziness at home and she does seem to understand the impact of verbal abuse on family members. I get no warm and cuddly feeling from her at all. Although I did get her to laugh a few times. As for the question, does she care about me? I think she doesn't dislike me, but she probably doesn't really care about me either. As for the silence, I think most of that is in my own head. It feels like minutes but it is actually probably just a few seconds. I struggled a lot talking in the beginning--so I panic when I get myself somewhere and don't want to continue. The pressure I feel is likely self imposed--I'm a freak. Only recently (last session) have I come to the conclusion that she knows her silence drives me nuts. Although I'm projecting.. I think that's why she doesn't make eye contact until I say something worthwhile. I guess its her way of letting me know I'm withholding again. It is painfully uncomfortable but effective I suppose. It bugs me a little to think she knows how to rattle me-- even though that's what we pay them to know.

Honestly I think the tone of our therapeutic relationship was set by me in the beginning because I was so defensive, very emotionless, and all about solving problems quickly and efficiently. I wouldn't have tolerated a warm, intimate environment and would have likely bailed out quickly. I'm lightening up a bit, my emotions are starting to surface. I might be interested in exploring a more relaxed informal therapeutic relationship. However, my fear of attachment would create a big barrier to that type of relationship. I'm not really sure if its possible to change a therapeutic relationship after its already been established one way.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off with a male T simply because I work primarily with men, have all male doctors, and until recently most of my closest adult friends were male. Unfortunately it took me this long to settle down and start talking more directly about things that are bothering me, I can't imagine starting all over again.

Must be the no pain, no gain mentality.