The best you can for yourself and your friend is to honour the boundaries your friend has put up for herself. And don't take it personally.

Putting myself in your friends shoes..... which isn't a stretch for me to do because I can relate to pushing friendships out of my life. I'll have hot moments where I'll make a phone call or send an email to a friend but often the fire will burn out before a second contact is made. Their efforts to connect with me will often be futile. I'll have retreated again and they will have to wait out my current storm to hear from me again. Or not.

I have one friend who for reasons known only to her sticks by me and weathers my bad behaviours. She's like a sister to me. I've asked her once or twice why she puts up with my abuse and she tells me that she'd learned not to take it personally. To take each moment with me as it comes and to not read anything into my silences. She doesn't interpret my isolation as rejection. She doesn't interpret my sadness as her fault or her job to fix. She doesn't interpret my rants to be attacks on her.

Recently she has been more distant than usual. She may be tiring of me. We did have a bad go around in the summer. Me acting out and using her as my kicking post. She'd tried for months to connect with me and I'd ignore every effort. It became part of a sick game I played with her for a while. Not proud to admit it but it became like a 'testimony of my ugliness.... undeserving of friends' -- it echoed in my head and I had to prove it right by making sure she couldn't connect with me. I needed to prove I didn't deserve friends in my life.

I don't mean to hurt her feelings but I'm not able or willing to engage with her or anyone consistantly over long periods of time so I tend to sabbotoge what I have to take the pressure off myself. Emails, phone calls, messages relayed through family are all ignored by me more often than not. I sent her one email in the middle of a long gap but I never followed up with her reply. Even though it was Christmas and usually we get together for a visit it didn't happen this year. She didn't push as much as she usually does and I was less receptive to anyone's pushing this year. People in my life have generally given up pushing me to do things. They take the first 'no' as the final answer or risk the consequence of my cry meltdown or raging outburst.

I'm not sure what you can gleen from my story. Perhaps to not take it personally for strarters. Second, if you can't take the push and pull without the emotions.... its not healthy for anyone to be in a push/pull relationship.... then back away and leave it to your friend to sort out for herself. She'll find her own way just as you and I find our own way day in and day out.

Don't let yourself get sicker because of your friends behaviours. No judgement necessary. Her behaviour is bad and the impact on you is real. You can't change her behaviour but you can change how you react to her behaviours. Just acknowledging your own limits, your own boudaries, your own wellness as first on your list of concerns can help balance your perspective on her as well.

You can't make your friend well but you can tend to your own wellness. Let your friend go for now. Get your focus back on track. Heal your broken heart and learn to live with her being out of your life. It may be only for a season of time or it may be for the rest of your life time. Find a way to not need to know what the future holds with your friend. Pray for her. Send messages of good energy into the universe for her everyday and pray she finds her peice. Pray you find your peace and let time take care of the rest.

You are a very kind and loving person. I can feel your heart aching and I pray for your peace to come. May your friend find her peace and be able to see again some day the beauty of your love for her. May you know that your love is enough. Love in the universe has the power to change lives. If only from a distance you can be a support to your friend. Silent prayers for your friendship that your support for your friend can be maintained.

Blessings.....