maybe i have gone over this before and asked already...
but i can't remember..

and i know a lot of my problems probably are due to mental illness and stem from my traumatic experience...

but you see i am having another "awakening" experience, if you will...
and feeling like there is something more going on...

i don't know how to word it because the world is not very accepting of such things or thoughts and i dont want to just be shot down with such a thought because something is happening indeed but what i don't know...

occultism is really stigmatized and people fear the unknown so i just keep most of it to myself usually... and out of respect for other peoples beliefs i dont talk about religious stuff...

i just simply can't tell if i am being manipulated from an external force, fed upon by a hungry entity, being led to a destination by a positive force, confused by my own minds misconceptions, overwhelmed by lifes challenges, possessed, day dreaming, sleep walking, losing my mind, already dead, in hell, or any of the other

im just trying to understand if i am just having deep thought... uncontrollably... or if it is part of dissociating in me.. or if there is something more going on that i need to address...

i know the generic response is to speak to the treatment providers about it, and i have... they just try to break down dissociation in some way they see it which really just confuses me more because it sounds like they dont really understand it either and it doesnt really answer my experience with it...

it is so hard, i am trying to find myself in this place that i don't know very well...
i keep having these lapses into the unknown and sometimes i almost wish i wouldn't come back because i have to keep experiencing this... experiencing feeling alone, not being able to understand my existence, explain what i experience or feel, and much more...