I think that we are experiencing some very similar emotions at the moment, Solnutty. I am sorry if I don't say this very well, but I have a tendency to try and relate someones description of their experience to my own, and I often am concerned that in doing so, I look like I'm trying to make it about me. I'm not - just trying to relate and let someone know that they are not alone. That said...

My alter Sonseearae, who talks with me often and fronts quite frequently, is also hiding right now. She's only six years old but I am confident that I get a lot of emotional strength from her. She does emotions so much better than I do. As a result, and in the midst of so many emotional crisis's, I feel like I'm falling apart at the moment. In fact, I told my therapist yesterday that I believe that I'm in crisis for the first time in my life and need help. She immediately double booked me for the week; I don't ask for help and she knows it.

One of the major things I'm dealing with right now is also a memory. Though I had discussed it in therapy before, we revisited a memory when I was six years old and I began exploring it again. This time I realized that the second, worse part of the memory wasn't originally mine; it was Sonseearae's. I got the memory when we became co-conscious...

And then I realized, for the first time, how much and how often I inadvertently dumped on her when I dissociated because I couldn't take the pain and she was left to suffer. It's probably fair to say that I love her more than anyone in the world - and to realize how much pain I've caused her through checking out when I had my fill and allowing her to take the brunt of it....it's more than I can bear.

Normally I would just talk to her, find a way to make amends...but as I said, she's hiding. That in and of itself is difficult for me, I rely on her so much and we are co-conscious most of the time - very literally I suppose, a part of me is missing. A month ago, she heard herself on an answering machine for the first time. She's never heard her voice externally before - she hears herself when she talks but she doesn't hear the old man voice that came over the recording, she hears herself as she imagines she sounds. It was a rare, coveted piece of physical identity...and now it's gone. It's a month later and she still refuses to talk. She's hiding from her friends so she doesn't have to talk to them.

So yeah, I do understand the 'can't let her hurt like this' and the 'I have no idea what to do to help make this better'. No answers but I'm sitting with you and hope it gets better for all of us soon.