(This is a continuation from Part 3, where I write about what my t said)

PART 4

My t said that when she says or does something that makes me feel very hurt or unsupportive, I usually have an immediate cascade of thoughts and emotions. The cascade can last for hours or days. If it continues long enough, it leads to the point where I am ready to say "SCREW THIS, I QUIT!" By that time, I am so upset or angry that I have built a huge wall around me, feel distant, and am convinced that everything is hopeless and no solution exists. By then, I feel desolated by the experience, drained by my emotions, and exhausted by the whole situation.

My t said that when I reach that point, I am numb. I am not really "present" in the room. I am disconnected from her. My t said it is "that" part of me that she feels has been showing up in her office the past few weeks since our rupture.

My h agreed. He said he could tell this past month that I have not been myself. He said I have seemed different this past month, kind of distant. He said when I get upset, I go somewhere inside myself and won't let anybody in. (Those are the time when I start misplacing and forgetting things - which are indicators that I am dissociating.)

Then my t asked me, "Would it be possible for you to let me know RIGHT WHEN you first notice that I've said or done something that upset you? If you pay attention to how you feel in your body, could you let me know what's wrong BEFORE the whole cascade of thoughts and feelings begins and you spiral down to the point of no return, where you are ready to say, I QUIT!" She asked, "When you first notice you're feeling bad about something I've said or done, can you say, 'Your reply didn't feel supportive to me. I wish you had done such and such.' "

At this point in the session, I started feeling fuzzy in my mind and couldn't think. I kept forgetting what she was asking me. I had to ask her to repeat it twice. It took a few minutes to figure out what she was asking.

To be honest, I am not sure I am aware enough to tell my t I'm upset before the cascade of thoughts and emotions starts. I DO know when something has upset me. I have the awareness at that time. But the cascade starts almost immediately. Once it does, I feel like I am already caught up in it.

During the cascade, several different explanations come to mind about what has happened between my t and I. With each different explanation, there are different feelings that go with it. It is like there are several people presenting different arguments in my head. Each argument feels true and the feeling that goes with it seems justified...until the next one begins. I'm not sure I am making sense, as this is very hard to describe.

So that's what happens during the cascade that leads to the point of no return. My t wants me to tell her I am upset BEFORE the cascade starts. Can I do that? It sounds so easy, but it is not easy to do. Once something triggers and upsets me, it seems to happen automatically.

So my answer to my t was, "I don't know if I can do that or not, but I can try."

(more to come in Part 5)