emgreen, An even bigger sign is knowing that sneaking in alcohol selected for "bang for the buck" in order to drink it alone with the aim of getting drunk sets off a number of alarm bells and shrugging it off. It's like I was making a game of seeing how many boxes I could check in one night. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was problem drinking and continued doing it anyway. I was saved by an ironic turn of events - I had an episode of expansive hypomania and came clean to anybody that would listen including my primary NP, my new at the time psych NP and one of my kids. After telling them all, I could not continue doing it. My son then asked me to come clean with my wife, which I did. Disappointing one of my kids with drinking and using was finally a line I wouldn't cross. So I didn't start out doing it for me. After I had some time under my belt, I did realize it was the best thing for me even without the extenuating circumstances