Here is last Thursday's session 9/29... and yes she let me stay significantly over to deal with stuff.

I have some gaps in today’s session.

I was stressing session because of the touch topic, I didn’t know if I should bring it up or wait and see you’d bring it up. I waffled and talked to some friends about this. I was slow at getting out of the office and ended up grabbing the bus rather than walking. The bus should have gotten me to my stop with 8 mins to spare, it didn’t. I got dropped off with 1 min, I walked quickly up and to your office. I was a few mins late. I pushed the button and went into the waiting area. You came out to get me and we headed back.

Hi, Hi, how are you. Good. Talked about some stuff then I pulled out the cardboard. You said something about being excited to see the cardboard because we have done different thinks with cardboard. I said that this time it was just being used to transport the coloring sheet. I was being creative in transporting the sheet. I opened it up and showed it to you. I said that people said that the flames looked good. I asked if I emailed you the pictures and then I said that I posted it on the web. You said you hadn’t been there this week. I’ve only been sort of consistent in keeping the page up. I like having it and would like to be more consistent.

We talked for a little while before we climbed onto the floor and started coloring. I updated you on some things from the weekend that I had forgotten on Monday, regarding things with wife. I then told you about what happened Monday night once home – wife and her cell phone while I was at the table. You commented about it being different, more unified when we both are sharing the same thing – such as watching a TV show together verse feeling like the electronic device is separate entity in the interaction. I agreed that I felt like a third wheel. There was supporting comments of wife not catching that I was there, there for her. At one point, I got frustrated with stuff around wife and I scribbled on the sheet of paper. At a different time, I had thought about just scribbling on paper like a young child. After I did it, I felt frustrated at myself for messing up the image rather than feeling relief from letting my unhappiness about my relationship out. As I continued to color, I tried to figure out how to fix my scribble but just felt like it was getting worse. I didn’t like how the cardboard was making a pattern on tire.

I talked about coming to the decision that I need to let me continue to do what I was doing prior to things with wife going bad. That if I don’t let me become whatever/whoever I was becoming, then I won’t be happy within the relationship and that will not bode well for the relationship.

I rested my head down for a bit and stopped coloring, then looked at my watch. Had only 5 mins to alarm and 10 mins to end of session. I decided to bring up the touch topic. You asked me something about how much I wanted to know about the answer. I said that since I didn’t know the answer, whatever you felt like sharing. I pretty much knew with that statement that we were working towards a no answer. You said stuff and stuff and that you thought it would not be good to do this touch. You said something about feeling that it would limit us somehow in the future. I kept looking down, clenching my hands and jaw. I didn’t say anything for a little bit. I looked up and said something – I think this is when I said something about not understanding how you know which is the right choice or why your choice is more right than my choice.

Then I started to put away the crayons, I was shaking and felt like I needed to go. I couldn’t put them in the box. I just left them in the plastic bin, I figured I could fit the boxes somewhere in my bag – I just needed to go. I grabbed both boxes and you picked up the colored pencils. I held the lid open to the plastic container and looked at you to put the pencils in the tote. I turned towards you a little. Still not able to talk. I was thinking, not exactly sure – something about you having the power here. A smile came over my face and you commented on it. I relaxed some as I switched thinking (different part coming to the front?). I asked if you were going to put the pencils in the tote. You said something about thinking they go in the box. I said that I had needed to leave so was just putting things in the tote. I said something about shaking earlier and that I didn’t need to leave now. You commented about my smile. I didn't say anything at first, I didn't want to say what was in my head because it wasn't very nice towards you.

More was said – I’m not sure if I started to cry at this time. You said something about not wanting to stop me. I said that I wanted to feel loved by you (interesting choice of words here). I told you about bringing the Art book and asked if you would read it. You said yes and “Mother loves Art”. We moved around and I got the book out.

When I went to lean against the couch and it pushed back, you said it’s ok that it wanted to be against the walk. I’m worried that I am going to break it, break one of the legs off. I scooched down to rest my head on the couch. You moved the coloring sheet so it wouldn’t be in my way. I felt something good within the bad here. Thoughts in my head, sadness. You read the book, as you read it I traced different lines in the book. When you got to the end you traced the spiral.

We sat there and talked for a long time. Things said, not in order just what I remember:
Me: not the out come I wanted.
You: (something about knowing that and me letting my wishes known)

Me: I love you
Me: hurts – I think you thought I said hearts, because I think you repeated hearts, not sure though
You: You are beautiful
You: Hey, <me>

You: (some compliment – courage?)
Me: Why
You: Why do I think?
Me: I don’t know
You: (something)
Me: I don’t know (really didn’t know)
You: (something about like <me>, a million reasons)
You: (something about family/someone you care about doing something)
You: (gave another reason)
Me: (not able to capture what you are saying, crying)

Me: I think you love me
Me: I want to keep thinking you love me

Me: was it hard for you (knowing that I would take it poorly)
You: (something about difficult, was this where you said something about thinking that we were strong enough, I was strong enough, and that you believed in us?)
Me: (talked about being hard parent with daughter and how that was difficult)

(sitting there looking at you, thinking through all of this she hasn’t cried, I couldn’t do that – couldn’t show so much compassion, empathy, caring, patience and not cry when someone else is crying)
Me: You’re amazing, not perfect.
You: not perfect
Me: something about you being good at your job

Me: look at the mess, my stuff all over.
Me: not so beautiful with all the crying
You: replied with some counter statement indicating that you still saw me as beautiful

Me: asked you if I was staying overnight after surgery, would you come and see me
You: said you didn’t know day of week
Me: Tuesday
You: not sure about your schedule, if available yes
Me: I take that as a yes (not that it will work out but that the reason you wouldn’t make it isn’t because of roles in each other’s lives)

More was said as I tried to gather up my stuff. You asked about putting the crayons and pencils in their boxes. I said yes as they wouldn’t fit in the tote otherwise.

It was time for me to go, I had gone as far as I could then and there. You were not rushing me and I didn’t feel an internal pressure to leave either. It just was time to go, a good place for me to go. See you on Monday was said. Not sure if thank you was said. At the door, I paused, I wanted to close the door so I could have some time with the filing cabinet but you were there and I didn’t want to close it on you. It’s not the same having it outside the room. I left feeling like there is nothing in the room for me. I was thinking that mommy doesn’t love me and fighting that with yes she does, that this doesn’t mean she doesn’t. At the base of the stairs, I crossed paths with Dr. F. It seemed like he was headed towards your office. I wondered what you were feeling, how you were doing with things. Part of me hoped that you were not doing great with things, that you were some upset. I feel a little bad about that, I don’t think it was out of anger. I think it was because of hurting and wanting to not be alone with that feeling in this team. Or maybe I wanted to think that it was hard for you to see me hurting like I was.

I left the office and went to store, I thought about wanting to hurt myself, about wanting to eat, wanting to drink. I went and used their bathroom and cried some more. I emailed friends the answer as they knew it was a topic of the day and they wanted to know how it went. After some time, I left the bathroom and left store without purchasing anything. I walked to the train. Thoughts of mommy not loving me, trying to counter that with the things that you have done, that mommy does love me – that saying no to this one thing doesn’t mean mommy doesn’t love me… back to mommy doesn’t love me, mommy loves Art, not me… and circle. I got to the train station without any more crying. 12 mins to next train. I went and leaned against the building at that stop and started crying again. I didn’t have any tissue with me. After a bit, I stopped crying and made it home with no more tears. I had texted wife letting her know that I was late, that I had a rough session, and that I was not out “playing with the boys”.

When I got home, I put away stuff from my bag. Wife asked me if there was anything she could do – what I wanted to do. I told her that I wanted to go to bed and cry. She asked if I wanted to be held. I said no. Would she be ok with that? She said that she wasn’t sure. I said I’d go down to the basement. She asked why, I said something about going away. She said she would not argue with me. Left me feeling bad for wanting to go down to the basement. I still gathered up a blanket, pillow, laptop, and went to the basement. I laid down on the mats and cried until I was all snobbery. I got up and got some tissue. I tried to journal and I didn’t have much energy/thoughts so I put away the laptop. I laid back down and cried myself to sleep. It didn’t take long before I was asleep. The next thing I knew, wife was rubbing my head. She had come down to check on me. She said that she was going to give me another blanket when she saw that I still had my shoes on. She said I looked like a little kid. I felt some better when I got up. I came upstairs and wandered around putting some stuff away. I realized that my thoughts and responses were very much like a 2-4 yr old being told no and I was learning that no doesn’t mean unloved. Wife and I went to bed.

ETA: FYI - I had processed through it all within 24 hours and was doing much better with it all.