For a while now, I've been weirded out by this part of me that seems to like to hate 'people'.. That seems to find hating others justified. I've tried to deny this part of me because I believe hating anyone is wrong, but the more I denied it, the louder it seemed to get - so I've decided to face it instead and heal this hurt, too..

I've realized this 'part' is just a scared kid who tried to protect herself by keeping people at arm's length So the actual feeling underneath the hatred is FEAR - not anger or 'wanting to hate' anyone at all! But my former therapist did say that anger is what we use to 'own what is ours' - in this case, I feel I had to employ anger to own my own space - initially, in order to keep dad away.

He was dangerous. I knew that if he lost it, I'd be dead - and I had no one to protect me! My mom didn't realize how dangerous he is.. So I had to try and protect myself. I chose to hate him to keep him away, and justify not going near him myself although he was my dad and I was 'supposed' to love him.. It's just that all those early experiences taught me I couldn't trust people, so I've kept everyone away..

It does make me sad realizing all the chances I've missed with people who really have been lovely.. But I'm also relieved and glad to realize this now because by working through it, I can have other chances in the future, once I learn how to recognize good people from the bad ones I also feel I can now start to treat anger as just what it is - an emotion that I need to accept, feel, listen to what it wants to tell me and then go on from there - not use it against anyone else. There's no need for that now even if I am scared - I can choose to move on without hatred because that's what I feel I'm supposed to do - love, not hate.