Hi there, I'm sorry for your situation. That's a really tough place to be. I am in no way an expert in grief, and since I don't know you, I don't know what might make you feel better or what could offend you, but I will just share what I know of myself from my life.

I found peace with the death of my loved ones by focusing on respect for them. It sounds weird but it really shifted me from fear and insecurity to a place of love and devotion.

I found that when I thought about their death as something bad happening to me or my life or even something bad happening to them, I really suffered uncontrollably.

But when I focused on respecting their life and respecting their body and respecting their story, no matter what happened, I was less afraid. It felt more true, because I am fiercely loyal to the people I love. And taking that position of respect allowed me to remain fiercely loyal to them even when they were dying and after.

I changed my internal conversation from, "what will I do? how will I live? how could this happen to this person I love so much?" and instead purposely introduced thoughts into my mind like "I will stand by you in my heart no matter what" and "I respect the story of your life" and "I won't disrespect your existence on this earth by naming your life a tragedy" and "I will not allow death to separate us in my heart"

It made me feel so much stronger and made my heart feel 1000 times bigger. It also allows me not to withdraw from people I love when they are sick. Always before I was so distraught internally that I just stopped being able to connect with someone when they got ill. And I had such a phobia of my dog dying someday that I didn't even enjoy being around her. All of that resolved once I chose the kinder thought process on the subject.

I hope that helps you in some way. I wrote about it in more detail with regard to my dog on my blog if you'd like to read it : Pet Loss: Finding Peace for A Broken Heart - Winterbritt