I've been having a real hard time for many years but am going through another familiar phase where I'm out of work and feeling extremely lost and anxious.

I finished university with a humanities degree with no real idea what to do next. That was 12 years ago now. I am still in the same place I was then - no career direction/path, no idea what to do with my life but simply older now, at 34. The work I have done has mainly been in the government/office based roles and they have mostly been temporary jobs and then I've travelled in between these jobs. I have worked hard (and was always punctual, professional etc.) even if the work itself was never that interesting.

The last two positions I had which were both contracts I would have gladly continued (as I realise I am getting old and wanted to build experience and just settle down) but on both occasions the contracts came to an end and were not renewed. For the last 2/3 months now I've been applying for so many jobs and had interviews (both face-to-face and phone) but nothing has materialised beyond that. The feedback was that I've got good interview technique but lacked the experience and possibly not qualified enough, which inevitably means I need to retrain and gain new qualifications in something, anything that will help me land a decent job. So the idea of re-training is something I keep going over and over in my mind but I have no idea what I'd do and I guess the factor that stops me from just going for something is the fact that I'd be going into something that I'm not even sure I really want to do! Does that make sense? So committing to say even a year long course in an area that I'm only remotely interested is a risk but I suppose doing nothing is even worse, I understand that.

I've lost count of people who keep asking me "what do you want?" If I knew what I wanted, I would have gone after it long ago and I would not be in this position! This is not a case of just sitting around and being lazy but rather a constant lack of uncertainty and stuckness. If I wanted to become an engineer then I would have followed that career path. If I wanted to get into business, banking, finance then I would have made steps to move in that direction. I do have ambition, I do believe I am fairly bright and hard-working and in the years that have come and gone, I've just constantly battled this dilemma of making a decision.

This has been my thinking process/dilemma/problem for years now. It's this rut/cycle that I can't seem to get out of. I thought this way when I was 26 and now 8 years later I'm thinking the same thing! I feel this constant internal pressure which manifests itself I suppose in this anxiety and it's very crippling and I feel stuck. What makes this all worse is when I see my peers and others my age moving on, settling into careers, getting married/family and I'm still stuck in the same place I've always been. I know it's not a race or a competition and that comparing ourselves only makes us feeling worse but no-one wants to be the guy that gets picked last for the team. I guess that's how I feel. Life is slipping by and I haven't done enough with the time I've been given. I know it's never too late and I'm just desperate to break out of this cycle. The only thing I'm pleased with is the travelling I've done. I've visited over 40 countries in the world and I have enjoyed that but I have felt for the last few years it is time to settle down, find bearable employment, a home, a partner and finally move on and have some stability. Emotionally I am ready for this. Yet however hard I have tried to change, I can't seem to get to this stage.

Maybe one day I'll have that breakthrough moment but maybe not. I've tried meditation, medication (and I'm on a new one now), seen so many counsellors/therapists, dabbled in different ideas from trading to helping others but nothing seems to have clicked. Sometimes I do think not waking up to face another day of the same torment would be the best option, as it would be a solution, a final solution, but I don't think I can bring myself to that, not yet anyway. However on the flip side that feels like a better option than living the rest of my life in this eternal stuckness.