T2 today. He was wearing glasses, which he hadn't been the first two sessions. He asked what I wanted to discuss, and I said I wanted to talk more about the transference for MC and some stuff with T1. I said how I'd realized I felt guilty for leaving T1 as I did and was projecting that onto MC, assuming he was upset with me. Said how I'd e-mailed him about it, and he'd assured me that he had nothing to be angry about. T2 said, "So you feel it's resolved then?" I said I'd probably sent MC more e-mails than I should have, but that I felt OK about it now.

I said I did want to talk more about the transference. But that first, I had to bring something up. How I worried that in my talking about being attached to MC, T2 would be sitting there thinking, "Oh God, please don't get attached to me, too. Run away, run away!" T2 said how his goal--and the goal of any good therapist--is to have the client eventually not need them and to go off on their own. I said that made sense, how I was having trouble with that with MC, hence part of why I went to see him (T2).

I said I also worried how, if I talked about, say, how I'd Googled MC, that he (T2) would worry that I'd Google him, too. T2 said that he just expected people to Google, how he'd Googled the people who cut down his trees. I said, "OK, so, I Googled you before I started seeing you." He said it made sense to do. I said it was much easier to Google him than MC, who has very common first and last names. T2 agreed with that. I said how MC had immediately forgiven me for Googling, but that T1 hadn't, saying how she'd had sort of a stalker in the past. We discussed that briefly.

Talked a little about first figuring out I had transference for MC, how I'd thought at first it had been erotic (as I'd wanted him to hold me), then realized was more paternal. T2 said he got more of a paternal sense about it, too, how holding someone is more of a protective thing.

Then I said if I was going to talk about the stuff with MC, I'd have to discuss stuff with MC's wife. That I assumed, since T2 knows him, he's probably aware that she passed away at the end of last year and had been sick before that? He said yes, how he knew she'd passed away over the winter. I said how it was between Christmas and New Year's, and he said, "Has it been that long?"

I went on to recount how I gradually figured out that his wife was sick and my reaction to finding that out. And how I'd talked to MC about it, and he'd been OK with me asking questions. Then about how I found out she'd died and how emotional I was about that, how my reaction to it kind of freaked me out. I cried during some of this--my first time crying in front of T2. (He actually has tissues in multiple locations in his office--including a hidden location by where I was sitting, which seems like a smart strategy.)

He asked me if things had changed (in therapy) since his wife died. I talked about how he'd said he wouldn't have told us about her passing and how that affected me. How it made the solely professional nature of the relationship more clear. T2 seemed to understand that. I said I felt really bad for making it about me during that time, how MC had even talked to me on the phone at one point because I was struggling. I said I realized how selfish I'd been and eventually apologized to him for it. And how MC seemed more back to his usual self, at least with us, starting from like 5 months afterward.

T2 seemed to be listening intently and just commented here and there. He used MC's wife's first name once, which threw me for a second (MC has never actually used her name, though I learned what it was through the Googling not long before she passed).

Incidentally, though I was referring to MC by his first name the whole time, T2 said he was going to call him by Dr. MC's Last Name, which he hadn't done the other sessions. Which maybe bothered me a bit (especially because T1 just adapted to me using his first name and used it herself). So I asked about that in the e-mail I sent him a bit ago...

At the very end, while I was paying him, I said I knew that was a lot I'd shared today, but I hoped now he understood the depth of the transference/attachment. He said that "depth" was a good word to describe it, that it did seem very intense. He also said he'd run into MC that morning (they work across street from each other) and that MC had said "We should talk soon," which T2 implied was about me. He said he hadn't brought this up earlier, but he was wondering about communicating with MC. I said how T1 had offered to talk to him and I assumed MC would, too. But that I wasn't sure about it, because I wanted him (T2) to get his own impression of me first. He said he understood that. I said I still was a bit unsure about having one or both of them talk to him. He said to think about it, but that at some point, particularly with MC (I assume because I'm currently seeing him), if I wouldn't want them to communicate, we may need to discuss why. But for now, to just think about it.

As I was about to leave, at first he wasn't putting his hand out, and I was worried he didn't want to shake it because of all the stuff today. But I imagine he just forgot I was a hand-shaker (had just clarified last week) and he held it out for me. A bit less sweaty than usual, so...progress?

Ended up e-mailing him a bit ago, just because I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now after sharing so much... The other couple times I've e-mailed him (one time before I formally started seeing him, once after), he's responded within a few hours, so hoping he writes back tonight.