Hi. I think you are way too hard on yourself. It seems your thinking has gone into overdrive and you have chosen to focus on the negative in your life. And don't be so sure that all those people in your life "that fit in" as oppose to what you feel about yourself("you don't fit in"), actually feel that they are "whole" , "happy", "successful".....I'm personally non of these things completely....NO ONE IS!! This thread reminds me of when I was younger......My thinking went like this....
**I'll be happy when I graduate high school....was I?>>>NO
**I"ll be happy when I graduate from college...was I?>>>NO
**I'll be happy when I find the right guy....was I?>>>No
**I"ll be happy when I have kids.....was I?>>No
**I'll be happy when my kids get a bit older so I can have more time for me....was I?....NO............
But I came to the realization that happiness are just "moments".....throughout my life I have had these "moments"...interpersed with sadness, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, boredom.