Session

After having had a really difficult session last week, I feel like I resolved a lot of what I was worried about, today. When T last week contrasted how he was feeling calm and I was feeling bad, I was worried because when I was seeing previousT, he used my feelings of being in pain against me, or so it felt. I felt pressured to quit with previous T and ended up taking a six week break. I thought I was doing the right thing, and that it was what previousT thought I should do, but when I came back, he used me "having" to take a break from therapy as a "good" reason that I needed to quit therapy. It felt so manipulative. He told me my neediness was "childish" and shamed me over and over. I feel so ashamed because I made myself so vulnerable, I thought that previousT would be proud of me for lasting six weeks on my own only to find out that I was building my own case to be abandoned. He used this against me. I thought I was doing what I should be doing and nothing I did mattered. Ironically, he didn't handle termination like an adult. He didn't just say, This is too much for me, therapy is over. Or some version of that. I feel like a part of me is "innocent" and I just wanted him to care, yes, child-like, and that he hated me being needy, and I really thought staying away from him during the break I took would make him like me, but it didn't. I think I tried to be good, I tried to be bad, and in between, I tried to stay away and the only time he liked this was when it was permanent. I get that previousT had his own issues and maybe, if a miracle happens, I will be able to feel compassion for him. But now this event is stuck in time and I can't get rid of it and it makes me feel like previousT still "controls" me ( I know this is my stuff, my issues).

As for last session, I was worried that because I knew I was having difficulty in therapy, and feeling bad in therapy, and I was so afraid the same thing would happen. But it didn't. T keeps showing me that he is consistent in the kind way he treats me and sometimes I have a difficult time fathoming that sooner or later he is going to see who I am and then will reject me.

I talked to T about how I think I am depending on him to erase my bad feelings about abandonment/need for reassurance, and I have started to get anxious and in pain in session because I'm so worried about when I leave therapy that I will be in agony like last week. I'm trying to do this on my own although it is an excruciating venture. I couldn't do this if I didn't trust my T.

I don't choose if I feel grounded/safe or ungrounded/unsafe or abandoned, etc. It is difficult to know how I will react at any given time to any given situation. I am trying to get some kind of handle on this elusive problem and it is a work in progress. My goal is to not text T and this is where I am now and might be for awhile. My brain hurts but I feel so much better after today's session.