I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling so much..

In my experience, trauma isn't something you can just get over. It needs to be worked through. You say it's like the feelings are ingrained in you - I actually think that is a very good literal way to describe what happens when you're traumatized. Because you weren't able to process what happened, those experiences are still in you. The emotions you were never able to feel, the experiences you did not get a chance to - and maybe wouldn't even have been able to - put into words. You can do that now in therapy. It can be a long and sometimes arduous road that many people never take - but I can tell you it's also SO worth it to get to know the person you were never really able to fully become.

There's a lot of talk about not letting the past rule your present and leaving your childhood behind you, but here's another way of looking at it.. Your life isn't just about chunks of time, childhood, adulthood, old age, with you jumping from one to the other - it was YOU, YOU were experiencing everything that happened.. It doesn't really matter how long ago it was. If something happened that you weren't able to deal with, it'll stay within you till you do work through it. I find that positive affirmations, meditation etc. can make you feel better for a moment, but you'll be a slave to them all your life unless you actually deal with what's still hurting you.. Now, it seems some people are perfectly happy turning to these methods over and over again to distract themselves from the pain, and if it works, good for them! Personally, I got tired of chasing the good feelings, chose to face the past in order to get to a place of a different kind of peace, a place where I can just be with whatever it is that I'm feeling without the need to turn it into anything else. I still have work to do on this, probably for the rest of my life, but have come a long way already! Also, I'm finding that once I'm able to actually feel the difficult feelings too, they pass a lot quicker

As for being obsessed with what other people think of you, this has been me all over. I've found it's partly about having lost trust in people as a child, and what I've needed to do is learn to trust again, starting with a very safe, dependable therapist and then daring to put my trust in others as well, one person at a time.. AND having my therapist support me and guide me forward when someone has let me down again, as we people sometimes do since we're not perfect

I've recognized this obsession is also about fear of abandonment for me. The fear of people not accepting me, and me being all alone in the world - this mirrors what I experienced as a child. I'd actually say that worrying about what other people think has a very natural and benign aspect to it - if we weren't accepted as babies and small kids, we literally would not have survived! However as adults, we're not dependent on anyone in that way anymore - if one person doesn't accept us, we need to keep looking till we find ones that do. This is also precisely the journey of learning to love oneself - I wasn't loved enough as a kid and learned I was unlovable. I now need to let people prove me wrong It's hard work.. Takes a lot of courage, learning to trust people, and trusting the fact that I was put into this world for a reason - that I would not have been if I was inherently bad!

I hope I've given you some food for thought.. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey