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altonwoodsdrphil said:
your anxiety and fear's are running your life, the biggest fear is probably the one of "letting go" or of trusting...sometimes we convince ourselves that we can always "put all of our chips" on the table if our own effors come up short but we hold back because we fear losing it all. my personal victory came when I realized that I had the winning hand and that I was being bluffed into not knowing that we have access to the "power to live" in victory...now, I try to do whatever I can to share that with other people, its just senseless to live in "the lies"... well, there it is...I've layed down my hand, its your hand too, but you must play it! (unless you like BEING "played")

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Yes you are right--my fear has taken total control over my life--afraid to go back to work, afraid I will not be financially secure(some profesionals feel my mom instilled HER fears of that one), and fear of people.
I haven't posted in a while. Things changed--took a turn for the worse.
My mother had a heart attack last Saturday morning. I am scared, I have been working my butt off, dealing with that, and looking for a place to live--now I'm afraid to move out!
This cannot go on. My mom and I agreed that it's me who has to go---not my brother--he is a liar, and a thief-I had to get that out. My mom said she could help me with $400 a month. For me to move on for MY LIFE-I have to forgive, forget, and move on.
At this point, for MY own health. I am being told to separate. I have one friend who lives hours from me--that's it. I haven't had time to find a support group, go to church-nothing, but very soon, I am going to go and breakdown and say, "I need help, I am scared, and I need support"

Does this sound stupid?

I feel this is all my fault-but the edocs said this was not an acute heartattack for my mom. I am truly scared. But at times, i feel i can do it. Since my mom's heatrattack, I still have NOT quit smoking. Right now I truly feel that my life is headed downhill. I am exhausted, but wanted to post, because my doctor wants to start me on Remeron for the anxiety and said I need to get off the Librium--ya know I can't go to a rehab to get off Librium--I tried and almost died, and Librium is what is helping my anxiety--the cigs will kill me before the Librium does.
So, I am a little unsure about this Remeron--weight gain, bad for the heart.
Thanks for being here all--I am so concerned, I just told God to take EVERYTHING, I am terrified about moving out because I have no one-that is so sad. I'm a nice girl, but just rely on my family way too much and it's not supportive--so i feel stupid that i would even want to be around them. I go to a new therapist Monday. A few people I met up north tried to get me to move back there, but because school is here I stayed, now i have digressed. At this point, if I cannot finish school, I will move and get a job. I think it's best if I leave my mom and sick brother alone--he hates me so very much. He always puts me down. He did apologize, and hugged me when I visited my mom and brought her home--he didn't go see her.
Am I being "Played"? How, by no support?--obviously my mom with her heartattack recently has to take care of herself.
The only things I have to pack if I go to a furnished room is my computer, bedding and clothes, I packed the iomportant stuff. If I go to an unfurnished room, I have to take my bed, refrig, and tv.
I've been doing A LOT of work trying to find a place to live, now I am afraid to shell out the little money Ido have left.
The question: Which is more important?
My sanity----or money??
Please advise---anyone.
thank you hugs, I need one now.