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I'd say that posting here is a first step. You've made that step and now it's time to think about what your next step will be. It sounds like you are fearful of therapy, but I do think that could be a logical next step for you. It's something to consider anyway.
Are you under the care of a medical doctor? He or she could refer you to a therapist.
Hugs out to you.
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"Do you know what’s really scary? You want to forget something. Totally wipe it off your mind. But you never can. It can’t go away, you see. And… and it follows you around like a ghost."
~ A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon) (2003)
"I feel like an outsider, and I always will feel like one. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t a member of any particular group."
~ Anne Rice
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