Seesaw, it sounds like we have had similar reactions to similar experiences. Thanks for your take on what you've gone through. My sister's not very connected to the world at large, and I'm not sure what explains that. Her interests are pretty limited. She has no hobbies. Her immediate family is everything to her. I think there is a similar in-law dynamic in our situations, also. Her husband seems to curtail her contact with her family. One time she invited me to come for Thanksgiving dinner at her home. Then I heard she wasn't even going to be home for that holiday, but she never told me. When I called her, she said her husband objected to her inviting me because he hadn't invited his sister. When I said I was surprised she hadn't let me know her change of plans, she replied, "Nothing was written in stone." Other times, when we had a lunch date, she'ld call the night before to re-schedule because her husband suddenly needed her to do something. It seems to be a control thing with him, where she can't make a move without him making her alter her plans in someway.

I guess I've been avoiding the conclusion that you've recommended because I've wanted to believe that, eventually, this all could be "fixed." I'm always wanting to "fix" things. So maybe I frustrate myself by not letting go and accepting that "It is what it is." There is a lot about her that is really admirable, and I think highly of her on a number of fronts. She's generous, responsible and handles a lot of things with integrity. However, she's told me that, "Given the needs of my immediate family, I don't have a lot of time for extended family." And her husband and children do seem to be awfully needy of her. They seem to continually keep her jumping through hoops they hold up, just to reassure themselves that they can.

I do believe that the stupid annual gift is her way of saying that I honestly do matter to her. But it's hard to feel any joy in getting it. Still, I always write a thank you note as warmly expressed as I can make it. Maybe that encourages her to think her gesture is succeeding. I think I may stop with the effusive "thank you" notes. But that seems mean on my part.