Sometimes I think I’m better because rape feels like a distant past. Then all of the sudden out of nowhere, I’ll start to want to “tell my story.” It’s weird though because it feels real when I think about it then. It’s hard to describe but it takes me a few minutes to realize I’m having a flashback and have to calm down.

My rapes were 4 years ago. Thing is, I have complex ptsd so the domestic violence is just one of my few traumas I’ve experienced. Sometimes I want to forget, but I know I need to remember. I don’t know I guess I’m just sick of flashbacks. I want to be better, but it’s hard. I’ve gone through child emotional abuse, chronic illness, bullying and rape but the rape is the most persistent flashback and nightmares in my daily life. I probably won’t ever be fully healed from ptsd. I’ve accepted that, but I don’t know it just bothers me.

Anyone else with complex ptsd understand the wanting to feel better when you know you probably won’t ever truly be better?