I am on my own all day today and feel guilty. My family have gone to the countryside with the dog ... I haven't slept well for ages, was up at 4am and took a sleeping tablet, so I was out of it really all morning. I have cleaned and done some laundry, but find myself making excuse after excuse not to leave the house.....this is the easy option....to stay here in my comfort zone.

I have therapy again on Tuesday for the first time in nearly 3 weeks.....does anyone else dread it as much as me? I find it so awkward having amnesia...I'e had a few flashbacks over the holidays, journalled by writing poems and stuff, but something is stopping me from remembering anything else apart from what I wrote in my life story condensed on here.

I know there is so much more, little snippets of information sometimes catch me by surprise...... more things trigger me.....

Tony waslistening to some really old glam rock stuff...which i lke, but a certain one came on and bang.....big trigger.....

I just feel like hiding then....going into my dark place and staying there, eyes tight shut .... tealights trigger me, from the power cuts of the 70's when I had a single nightlight in my bedroom where the abuse took place......... we use loads of them at Christmas......

This is a new year, I want to put it all behind me, but it's only a date.....wouldn't I have done this years ago if it was so easy.....

I'm scared I'll never feel better, not completely, I think I must be going down a bit cos I am so lethargic and have no interest.....took all my strength to clean this morning.

sorry this is so long, trying to keep my mind off eing alone right now..... separation anxiety looks like the next thing,,,,

please just let me be ok......

sorry for ranting/rambling

Jinny xxxxx