It's this constant battle with myself. A battle that seems to leak through the cracks of just moderate depression; not to say moderate depression isn't a struggle in itself. As screwed up as it is, I've actually always found a sort of tolerance for my depression, that tolerance being the fact that PTSD can be a cause behind depression. So, I don't necessarily feel depressed for no reason. Just the thought of not having a clue why makes me feel worse.
One of these battles, I don't deal with too often, but when it comes around it takes over rational thought. Rational thought isn't really gone but it isn't quite as loud as the rest, even if I can still hear it. It's not just SI or even just being suicidal.
It gets really bad and extremely overwhelming. My anxiety spikes and I can't calm down no matter what strategies I attempt. It's like I absolutely have to go through with it to keep people alive.
There are other things that start up before it gets to this point like picking my skin to make it even because it's not even and that bothers me. Another thing is not touching or moving certain objects because I believe someone could get hurt. Not looking at my reflection because something evil will emerge and take me over, in turn people would get hurt or killed. My mind also plays through every scenario and exactly how these things would take place. Each option leaves me feeling just as responsible if I do or don't do things that will lead to someone's pain, suffering and/or death.
I hate these thoughts, not only because they are so screwed up and misleading, but the fact that I can't silence them with logic makes it all so much worse. It's also making it increasingly difficult to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. When these feelings do get quiet (usually after taking Ativan or knocking myself out with Trazodone), I just get even more depressed and still feel suicidal, only difference is I don't feel compelled to go through with it. It's more like normal, like I just want the pain to stop.
I don't know what any of this is, or if anyone else here ever deals with something similar. Sorry this post is so long, I'm just really lost lately.