i don't know how many people this applies to... i can't be the only one can i?

For starters, i think i am addicted. i dont have an addictive personality but PC has been giving me a place to go, something to do, that allows me to avoid others things which are challenging and scary. Not just a bit either... a LOT. i am so screwed now because of stuff i dont have done.

the second thing is how it is affecting therapy... is a client supposed to have a kind of inside track like this? i mean, wouldn't it have been better for me if i slowly worked up the courage to tell my T how i felt about the last T and then had a dialogue open up, rather than me reading all about it online, and the impact, and the causes, etc etc etc?

i'm starting to feel like i am scripting sessions, controllinghow they go because i have so many interactions here to read about and choose from. i feel like i am being manipulative without meaning to be.. because it's easier to hide if i do that. If i say X, like so-and-so did, then T will likely do Y. Like... i dont know if it's helping me to be here... maybe it's allowing me enough release that i am not really that inclined to explore the relationship in session. Maybe this is a bad place for me?

i don't know. It makes me sad. i care about a lot of people here.

i'm going to run an experiment. i have stuff i have to do, like yesterday... and i need to test out how i am affected... so, i'm not going to be here for a little while. Or i am going to try not to be here. i will check my PM's.

so, ok.. it's kinda good bye for now...