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Oct 07, 2017, 08:42 AM

tl;dr -- it's not worth it. Stay on your meds.

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I went off my antipsychotic (Rexulti) recently (4 weeks ago) because I was feeling the same as you: don't like being brought down, etc. etc..

It turned out that when I went to see my therapist about a week after I went off it, she said I was manic as hell. Little to no sleep and pressured speech stood out to her. She said my speech was so rapid that she could barely understand it, and she said that my thoughts rapidly bounced around from topic to topic, which only made it more difficult to understand what I was saying. I guess that explained why people around me never understood me. My communication skills were off. Not good.

I suddenly became very ill about 2.5 weeks of being manic. I don't know if that was a coincidence or because I was getting so little sleep that I was run down. (I wasn't tired at all and getting 0-2 hours of sleep at some point, but I'm sure my body was run down.) That led to a terrible crash that I'm currently in. It wasn't worth it.

Possible trigger:

I was literally within seconds of killing myself -- the "materials" resting in my shaky palms -- when I desperately reached out to an online friend and said "I don't want to do it, but I can't resist the urge. It's too much. I'm sorry if I have to go this way." She spent a few hours trying to convince me not to do it, but the urges were still present. Nothing she said was going to stop me. That's when I reached out to a suicide hotline, but those idiots were useless. (See my suicide hotline thread.) Eventually, she convinced me not to do it, but she spent hours and hours, and I was surprised I even listened. I'm lucky I had someone to talk to the entire time. I don't know if I even would have lived if it wasn't for her being with me. And the urges still come back from time to time, even today.