Guys I'm sorry I freaked out about not getting responses immediately. I just value everyone's opinion here, and I still need a lot of help. Thanks for what you've done so far and I hope we can keep this going. Anyway, I'm going to try to address all the long replies, everyone feel free to comment on what I write to anyone, as it's really to all of you based on the comments people made. Sorry if this is another long post, but you know I'd take the time to read yours too.

Sultrysorryow, it does sound like we have plenty in common. In the past I have considered what you are saying, that social interaction isn't really as necessary as it's been made to seem. It's certainly true that I've fallen victim to that kind of hearsay, " You're not going out on Friday night, you must be a nerd." It's not true, but it's what everyone thinks. As for the girl, I know I'm scaring her away, she says I seem like a different person than I was when I first met her. The thing is, that's because I've finally come out and revealed my insecurities and troubles. When I met her I was putting on the usual charm (the at least semi-disingenuous one).

Rosario, you're post certainly resonated with all my past thoughts, and today's thoughts too. I'm always thinking to myself, "I'll be happy when (insert some kind of change or accomplishment)." It just never happens. For everything that goes right, ten things go wrong. I think someone mentioned that I said ten negative things for every positive thing.

That's how I feel though. I don't have enough time in my life to just be happy with a few things that go right, that's not how it works. If something goes right, I'm where I want to be, at point zero. If something goes wrong, I'm down. My mind is a nasty function with an infinite limit of y=0. Sorry for all the math analogies but that's just how I think. Anyway, point is, I can be okay, I just can't be happy. And I'm rarely even okay.

Abby, my only problem with your reply is that you said it wouldn't be much use. I'm rather embarrassed to admit this, but I think it might make you feel better so here you go: by the end of your post, and only yours, which I read last night, I was actually in tears, the good kind of tears. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone has ever described me as a nice guy. That's my problem. I've been called smart, I've been called attractive, I've been called a lot of things that make people think I'm just a drama king slash jackass for being unhappy. The things I never get called are those that apparently "matter." Nice, kind, caring, no, I'm none of those in most people's eyes. Also, if you really loved my math analogies, thanks, no one ever does. Sometimes I don't even really feel motivated anymore, to think at all. It's what I've spent my life doing, being a smart guy, but the connections between things I discover, they don't connect me to anyone, they distance me from people.

Mrsmoggles, thanks for the compliments, I guess. Your post was helpful too, but notice the things you noticed about me? That's what happens. "Smart, articulate, bright..." That's what my teachers used to say. That's why I never had any close friends. I don't mean to sound rude about what you said, most of it was very inspiring. I feel like there needs to be more lists than just those of things I can and cannot change. Take the ones I can change though, how much effort will they take? Too much. I'd have to change my life, everything I worked so hard to make it, to change some of the situations I've gotten myself into as consequences of achieving what I want.

Susan, you're very right too. I do need to find people I can really connect with successfully. Unfortunately, pardon the cliche, that's easier said than done. People formulate their thoughts about me quickly. I'm already a brash, intellectual, socially awkward jackass. That's me, that's what everyone thinks and they won't even give me a chance to change. And I'd feel weird changing who I am because I'm who I want to be for myself, it's just that that person doesn't seem to be someone other people like to be around.

A^5, computers can certainly be annoying. Sounds like you're the last vote, the one that's going to force me to accept that I must not be comfortable with myself. Good luck telling that to anyone who knows me. I definitely act comfortable with myself, so comfortable that I can usually make other people feel pretty uncomfortable if I want to do that. But there's my life story. I feel like people don't like me and they just want to put me down, so I turn right back around and put them down further. I can't cope socially, I don't fit in with people. Anyone who I could even pretend is my friend, is only my friend on a shallow level.

Anyway guys, looks like I wrote you another dissertation length post. I'm sorry. I'm just going through much, and I guess I'm a bit overjoyed that I can come here to vent, and people might actually listen. Thank you so much, those of you who will stick with me. If however, you choose not to do so, don't worry, I'm used to it.