Hey. So I have slowly turned my work and home environment into chaos and disorder. My entire house is a mess, the kitchen is overrun with dishes, my floor has become a laundry basket for dirty clothes, the amount of papers I have to grade keeps growing, and yet all I was able to do today was watch tv and sit amongst my messes and feel like crap.

Which is interesting as my mood has actually been pretty okay lately. Was feeling pretty great over the summer and early fall. But now it t seems I am paying for it. I'm teaching an extra class which takes away my free period so I never have any time to get work done during the day and after work I am exhausted. I have been fighting a cold for over 2 weeks now. I am a fuucking mess.

And yet i don't think I'm depressed. Just overwhelmed by all the chores I have to do that I am doing none of them. Which begs the question- are my current failings at functioning at life really a product of a mood disorder or do I just pretty much suck at life?? I am failing at this whole adulting thing. It's like my surroundings are beginning to resemble the chaos inside my head.

How do people keep all these balls in the air at the same time? I can't keep both my work and home lives going. It's just too much. So I work and do well there but when the weekend comes I have nothing left and lay here idly trying to recover. I can play the part of functioning member of society but it always catches up to me and I can't keep it going without something going to shiit after a while.

I had planned on cleaning all day today, doing laundry and dishes and trying to grade papers and catch up on all that has fallen to the wayside. If I could just be normal and do a little bit earch day I wouldn't get so fuucking overwhelmed but I can never seem to master the skill of moderation and balance. It's all or nothing and so I need some ALL right about now but I can't seem to find the motivation to get off my lazy asss and accomplish anything. Ugh. I don't want to live like this. I need to get my shiit together.

I need to clean up my house and my head and my work bag. I need to kick this cold already. Start going hadkn to the gym and taking better care of myself. I suck at this. It's like everybody else seems to know how to do all the daily tasks of living and be okay repeating them again tomorrow and I am here all alone floundering but nobody even notices as I turn blue and stop breathing.

Sorry for this long pointless rant. I just feel like crap for having wasted the day and made no progress towards returning my home and life to normal. Anyway thanks for listening. Good nite.