Aaarrrgghhh...

My ex has called and written several times, haranguing me for breaking up with him. He seems to be convinced that he is being punished, though I told him I'm doing this to protect myself, as I feel I'm better off alone than I am in his presence, which just makes me feel more sad and more alone than I did by myself.

The thing is, I don't know what he's so upset about. He's been checking out of this involvement for months. He's cut way down on communication by both phone and e-mail, stopped planning activities for us to do together, ignored my suggestions for activities, expected me to stay over for a few days at a time but ignored that I might need to eat or have a place for my clothes, forgot or ignored our month-planned New Year's Eve date and told a friend he didn't know what he'd be doing that night...

He's interrupted sex to answer the phone! A bit violently, too - that was really uncomfortable for me physically as well as emotionally. That one, in retrospect, is a little baffling - he told me he'd been expecting the call and that it was important. I didn't think of this then, but, that being the case, why didn't he wait 'til after the call to take me to bed? That wasn't the only time he ceased physical intimacy in favor of allowing interruption, but it was a notable low point.

He didn't tell his family we were planning on moving in together, so that I was completely sandbagged when his daughter asked if I'd applied for an apartment yet... she was just being nice, taking an interest, but I didn't know what on earth to say. He asked me to call before bed and upon waking every day, but stopped wanting to talk to me most of the time upon receiving those calls... he refused to give me a break to cool down when we argued, then blamed me for perseverating... started backing off plans to move in together, going from "when we can afford it," to "I don't know, I hope so"... everywhere, classic "He's just not that into this" signs.

So the recent callous behavior, while a dreadful nadir, was also part of a pattern. It isn't as if he wasn't trying to push me away already! I don't know, maybe he's just angry because I made the decision, so he didn't have control over it.

Although he's been in touch several times to berate me for the break-up, he hasn't asked how I'm doing with my father's death or expressed any concern... he is only interested in his feelings. I evidently don't have any, as far as he is concerned.

*whew*

That feels a lot better now.

A postscript: though it's very hard, accepting the huge hole my father leaves, I think I'm handling the death all right, so far. And as long as I'm posting, thanks again to everyone for all your condolences.