Only slept 3hrs last night and I feel so much better. That was my second night not taking the risperidone. I dont think its fair that I'm expected to sleep so much when not sleeping leaves me feeling so much more energetic. On the other hand husband is grouchy verging on angry this morning and I'm not sure if its because he just finished his night shifts or if I am doing something wrong. Well I dropped my keyboard and woke him when he was almost asleep but it was just an accident and he seemed to have a lot of mean things to say to me if thats all it was about. I haven't told him about not taking my meds and now I dont know if I can, usually I tell him everything. I dont blame him for hating me, I'm supposed to be a good mom and wife and I'm just not

Its like I'm on this path that feels so good and bad at the same time, I love it and I'm afraid of it. I should have known I would pull this sh**, I'm not me anymore, all the nice, socially acceptable and helpful, loving parts of me are gone. I'm the same irresponsible medication abusing crazy person I was at 17, 10 years ago! Im angry at the people who told me to get help, my life sucked before all this but now everything is so messed up and I cant erase the year and I dont want to go back

I thought I would feel better writing all of this but it hasnt helped, I should have been better after IP but I'm still this scary happy monster who doesn't want to be put down. I already went through all this last month and now I get to do it all again. All the stupid decisions that I cant stop making. All the hiding how bad it is from people who want to help. Why didnt they FIX me while I was there??? Isnt that why they locked me up???