I have had suicidal ideation and depression since I was 5 years old. I think my sexual abuse triggered my genetic predisposition for mental illness at that point. My mom was suicidal when she was pregnant with me and severely depressed during my childhood. I never attached to her. My dad was/is an addict and I never attached to him. The dark thoughts are part of my mental illness. When I was a kid fear of going to hell kept me alive. Now I stay alive for my son. If I didn’t have him I don’t think I would still be here. As much as I love my husband I know if I was gone he would heal and keep on going. My son would never recover if I abandoned him. He is Autistic and mentally ill himself and he relies on me for everything. So that’s what keeps me here. When I became a parent I gave up the right to be selfish.