I just don't know what to do anymore. My family can't stand me, that's pretty clear to me every day. I have friends on the level that if I make an effort to get myself included in plans of any kind, I'm included, but I'm never asked if I don't first push my way in. And I spend all this time worrying about my social situation at the expense of the things I already do well.

My problem is that I refuse to be anything less than the best, or the highest in any category. If I'm going to maintain my life as an academic, I feel bad not to use all the talent I have and show that I'm the smartest person in the department. But if I'm going to bother having a single social group, I better be in the more popular half. When I try to maintain one, the other falls apart.

I understand that everyone has to balance things like this, that's just life and I shouldn't be whining, but there's more to it. There are two types of people: those who strive for professional excellence, and those who keep close relationships with family members and friends, and are popular with people. It seems like people in either category are happy with just having that. I'm not, I want both. I hate saying, "No, I can't go out to dinner tonight, I have work to do." All that does for me if I do it a few times is it loses me the invitation next time, and I fall into the outer circle of that social group. But then, what if I go out, and I wait until tomorrow to deal with the research? Then I lose respect as the intellectual person I've come to be regarded as.

I feel like I have to be 100% professionally inclined, 100% socially inclined, or just worthless in either field. I'm not going to meet my professional goals if I socialize a lot, but I'm going to feel tortured if I stay in all the time and get my work done.

Life is too busy to be happy.