i would print it out but i don't have a printer sadly...

i may try to write it down... but i really am fearful of confrontation, i am almost certain she will retaliate with something like the substance issue needs to be addressed - although i dont feel like i have a problem with substances... i am not drinking or using drugs currently and dont really have a desire to as long as i manage my triggers and stress well enough... i dont crave drugs or anything besides marijuana but only weed because it helps all of my symptoms so much and helps me sleep so well and i need sleep so bad because i haven't slept very well in so long...

i have told them the exact thing that its not the drugs and alcohol causing my problems but that i used drugs and alcohol because of my problems... i cant remember what she said because i guess i dissociated or something... apparently i dissociate a lot... especially when trying to stand up for myself...

being honest i am under the influence of oxycodone right now but i am extremely stressed out... having a lot of family problems... brother is leaving his fiance and him and his kids are staying with us and its just... well maybe you can imagine the triggers... but im not trying to make excuses... i just dont want to panic and hurt myself because i have been having bad thoughts related to self harm again recently and dont want to return to cutting, which may be another excuse to use but...

im just really stressed out...
with my treatment providers... my family... myself... my life...
im doing really well with substance abuse problems...
and trying really hard to stay focused and working really hard on trying to devise a plan to get out of this living situation to get out on my own and live away from all these problems even though that makes me feel guilty although i know that its not my place to try to solve everyones problems... i need to be selfish now and need to take care of myself... i am just having a lot of problems because i am not financially independent and am still waiting to hear from the social security people for a court date to go see if they will give me disability or not again... which is extremely stressing me out because i have been waiting for so long this time just for the court date and fearful they will just deny me again and i have been trying to get on disability for 7 years just to have a little financial independence... to be able to get out and get away from these things... away from triggers... to be able to focus on myself... get proper treatment and healing... so that i can make a life for myself and focus on my life and hopefully one day get off disability and be happy...

im going crazy... and i really dont know how much more i can take... i have been saying that for some time now so i really really dont know how much longer i can sustain...
i have been having blackouts and a lot of problems and its getting to a point where im worried that im going to really mess my life up or die if i cant make progress and get out of this situation because i feel so trapped and dont really see a way out...

i am a depressed optimistic, or something...
for ever optimistic... its like a curse...
i dont see anyway things can get better... i dont feel like things will ever get better...
yet i feel like they will... they must...
its like im living a double life... split... my mind is living strange... and its insanity, i want it to stop so that i can be certain of what i am and what is happening instead of being so confused all of the time but i don't know what to do about it as it is out of my control .. and is not an effect of drugs or alcohol as people like to say because im just not using drugs and alcohol to that extent to where it would be contributing constantly... im just sick of all the confusion and uncertainty...

my mind is telling me so many different things, "go isolate" "dont isolate go be with people" "kill yourself" "dont, love yourself you are worth it"
but its not even me, i am numb... i am empty... i am a bystander... watching all this life pass me by...