Last night I had a great therapy session. I am working with my inner child and I have finally started to not hate her—I am starting to accept her as a part of myself. Although it is hard for me, I am trying to reach out and give her the attention and love that she has deserved for the past 36 years.

Last night I cried—that is something I don’t do very often—I cried at the overwhelming sadness that surrounds my abuse and the poor child that had to endure it. I can close my eyes and see her loneliness and her pleading eyes…she just wants to be loved—to be held and comforted—to be understood. It is so hard for me to reach out and love her—its like I don’t know how—I am also scared to do it—scared of what might happen—scared that I will lose control and the sadness and loneliness will engulf me. And yet, keeping this part of myself walled off keeps me from being able to connect with and love others.

I am struggling with being intimate with my partner. We have been together for 6 and ½ years and I still cringe at the thought of physically expressing my love for him. Sex is not a problem. Lying around in bed with him and being affectionate after sex is a problem. It is so hard for me to be close to him—its like either I don’t know how or I am just too scared to do it. Sometimes, I have to just grit my teeth and force myself to express my love.

This also plays out in my other relationships. I have very few long term friends. Matter of fact, I have very few friends—it is difficult for me to connect with people and to stay connected with them. My feelings seem to shut off. I have great compassion for people—including my friends, but when it comes to me allowing myself to be close to them, I get scared and run.

Right now, I have a person in my life who understands me and I find our exchanges to be so rewarding and full of love. Sometimes, it scares me, but overall, it feels really good. I think their understanding and acceptance of my inner child has helped me to come to accept her a little bit more.

I am very thankful for the people in my life and I hope I can continue to work on this because I truly do want to experience intimacy with my partner and with my friends. When I say intimacy with my partner and friends, I mean to form a lasting, enduring friendship/relationship where I can accept the love they have to offer and show my love in return.

I will stop babbling now…I just feel like I am on the verge of a great stride forward and yet I am afraid I might falter…I am scared I will run from the love I so desperately want.