Sometimes yes... to prove my belief that everyone has their limits and no matter what they say I'll find theirs and eventually they will leave me... just like everyone else in my life.... blah, blah, blah....

Now don't get me wrong.... I know how warped the thinking is when my thinking is stable but that doesn't stop me from getting gripped by it when I'm desperate for someone to perform a miracle healing and rescue me from my hell. No one ever can. No fault of theirs but tell me that when I'm desperate and I'm full of all kinds of wicked rationale.

Sometimes my thoughts attack them or I raging at them or overpower them about some unrelated thing just to hurt them, to show my power over them. I'll be angry and act out or I'll be sad and suppress my feelings. The hell doesn't change by their efforts. I want their efforts to change things. If it doesn't then I attack them by insulting them and push them away. I live as though they don't matter to me. Means surviving without intimate relationships. Learning that isolation isn't the answer I set upon a journey towards understanding what relationships can and cannot do for me realistically so that I don't need to act out when they fail to measure up. I now maintain a number of good friendships with people I've known for many years. I've done the push pull with some of them in years past but things are better now. They accept my periods of isolation without feeling shut off. They let me talk more than before. I was always the counsellor and did that to avoid talking about myself. Now I talk to them about myself and my life without needing miracles.

I can't speak for your friend and her motivation but for me yes, I did act badly sometimes, do act badly sometimes to test someone's friendship and worse, to hurt them for not being the friend I think I need. It's a hard habit to break when the thoughts get triggered by the slightest disappointment. I'm probably older than your friend, I'm 53 and been through enough of those kind of times to be tired of the cycle. I far prefer the me that is giving and kind rather than hurtful and afraid. I'm working hard to give the loving person in me more control of my emotions than the one who acts out of fear.

It's not something you can necessarily figure about about your friend's hurtful treatment of you. It is what it is. That's all you know for sure. It is what it is. She is who she is for all sorts of reasons. Her reasons. Without her input the rest is speculation mixed with your hopes. Not very steady ground to be standing on to explore the mystery of your friend's motivation.

One other thing before I encourage you to focus on your needs as a way of being a lost friend.... and that is to remember her behaviour isn't rationale so no rationale answer can be found. For example.... yes we push to test and expect to be right..... self fulfilled prophecy, self punishment, self hate... lots of motives at play. But w also hope we will be wrong..... problems are resolved, life is better, bad episodes will stop because of the friendship. It's not as thought the friendship doesn't matter. The friendship matters a great deal. Perhaps too much and that's what triggers the pushing. The friendship has become too important and that puts me at risk. Vulnerable to my friend. What if she decides she doesn't want to be my friend? That thought compels me to want to dump her first. My response is to prove to myself that I can manage without her. The hope in the magic of the friendship turns to anger, rage and acting out with the slightest wrinkle. Warped thinking... remember.

Did your friend just use you or did she value you at any time in your friendship? A question only she can answer. I'd venture to guess that yes your friendship matters. And yes it was a real friendship. A real complicated friendship.

At the end of the day it is only you that you can influence. Reach out and love her if you can do it without expectation. Send her cards and letters and be prepared for rejection or give her space and see if sometime down the road you don't hear from her again. Out of the blew when her outlook on life makes an upswing.

I've many friendships that come and go. So went on bad terms but most they just faded out for a time. Then something would happen to draw us together again.

Friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetimes. One should never be confused for the other.

Hope something in my story helps you.... my encouragement is to focus on being the best you can be and allowing your friend to take her journey her way. Don't allow her to abuse you with her bad behaviour. Don't give her your power or your integrety. Don't second guess your self but build yourself up with acts of kindness spread elsewhere.