Ok, so i spent the whole day doing other stuff, or trying to... i did answer some Pm's and i did keep having to remind myself not to just keep reloading PC. Ugh.. i HATED today. i LIKE PC..

let me explain something... i just explained it to Soli... in a few months i will have to make a lot of different decisions and i will have to be completely, soley in charge of every minute of every day... unless i go get a regular type of job. i mean, i work, but i have to regulate that too... at home... where my access to PC is. i need to be able to function. Today was a test, one i plan to keep running off and on, trying to figure out how PC affects me and what i can do about it.

can i spend an hour here or there? i don't know. i have become totally addicted to PC in particular although i have other types of sites i like too. Am i able to learn to limit like i've had to do with foods? Or am i more like an alcoholic who can't have just an occasional drink? i just don't know.

Is it an obssession that has kept me away from other more destructive distracions? Maybe. Is it a healthy way to explore interaction socially? DOn't know, but i am guessing not so much... because it has allowed me to feed into a very difficult aspect of depression... i have a strong tendency to isolate.

one year... a whole year... i didn't leave my house much. Didn't answer the phone either. i had one friend and she lived next door. It was a special type of hell trying to re-expand a world that has collapsed in that far.

i don't have many friends here yet and i have cut myself off from the few i have. i've only left my house a few times in nearly a week. SO not good. My T says i'm depressed (brilliant man that he is).. and i know that means i have to be watchful of what i am doing.

so, NO, i am not leaving.. not unless i find out that i simply have to give up internet communities altogether. i just have to try to give myself some space... take ore forced time away each day... and so on... until i figure this out.

as for therapy... the support i've received is wonderful.. so many brave and insightful souls. SOme stuff has helped... somebody said PC normalized their experience.. very true. One of the things i like about schema, which is what my T does, is that it is openly encouraged to read and learn. So i know it's ok in general to do so... i just don't know it's ok for *me.* i am not IN love with my T, nor do i see him as a parent... but i have strong feelings. Therapy brings up a lot of stuff, unresolved childhood conflicts, etc etc etc... it is almost impossible to completely resist the power to manipulate that information i get here gives me. If a part of me felt neglected then you'd better believe i'll use whatever i can to get T's attention and keep it! That's not a deliberate thing exactly, but it is a sobering recognition.

so there it is... NOT leaving unless i cannot find a way to deal with this in a reasonable way.

i love you all too much for that, and i have learned soooooo much.