Warning: long!

MC today. Started with updates about our week that I won't go into here. MC said he thought of us when he was out to dinner the other night because they had beer on tap from a brewery that H and I frequent.

H looked at me, I was like, "What?" and he said he knew I had some stuff to discuss. I was like, "Well, it's mostly about me, so..." MC said, "Can I say something?" I said sure. He mentioned my text to him last week where I was upset, fearing how T2 would react to some stuff I'd said in session (I really opened up to him last week). And he said he knew I'd be worried about this later, how he wasn't saying that I couldn't text or e-mail him. But he didn't want to get in the way of my relationship with T2. I said I understood that, how I'd also contacted T2 and had talked to H, but was just really upset and scared after revealing so much to T2 in session.

MC said it was OK, but that developing the relationship with T2 and working through that stuff with him is important. I said I understood that but was unsure if he was the sort of T who was into working on the relationship. MC said he thought he could handle it. But that I should talk about those fears with him, as it was "grist for the mill."

I said how T2 had referred to him by his first name in the first two sessions, but then last week insisted on calling him "Dr. MC." And that I'd asked T2 about this in my e-mail, and he explained why he wants to go by Dr. T2 instead of his first name (won't go into that here). MC talked about that a little. Said how since some of his coworkers are master's-level (including T1), so he feels odd going by Dr. MC, then referring to them (like in a staff meeting or to other clients) by their first name.

I asked MC if he was bothered that sometimes I called him by his first name. He said no but that, given the choice, he'd prefer that I call him, "Dr. Tall" (he's short). T2 isn't short (they know each other), so I said, "Well...if I call you Dr. Tall, then I'll have to call T2 Dr. Taller!" MC laughed, then held out his fist to give me knuckles, saying, "OK, that was a good one."

I said how T2 wanted me to allow him and MC to communicate about me, but that I was reluctant (I'd have to give signed permission). MC asked why, and I said how I worried about sharing stuff with T2, then having him tell MC. That he'd said he could keep it confidential, but if I sign the form, then he wouldn't have to. MC said that just because he could share stuff doesn't mean he would. MC also said that he has been working with H and I for a while now and has a pretty good sense of each of us--and it's positive. So anything that T2 would share wouldn't really affect his image of me, if that's what I was worried about.

I said that no, it was more if I shared some stuff with him about the transference for MC, would T2 then turn around and share it with MC. Because if that was the case, I wouldn't feel I could be open with him. That I could trust T1 because I'd known her a couple years before starting to work with MC. But I've only known T2 for like a month, so it's hard to fully trust him. MC said to talk about that with him, about how I need time to build up trust.

I asked what sort of stuff MC would share with T2. He said it could be good for him to tell him basics about me, just general impressions, but also some other things, including sensitive areas and pitfalls to look out for (like the stuff I react to negatively). Because that could help him avoid some issues with me. I said he probably could have avoided one in his response to my e-mail if MC had talked to him first about why I tend to be freaked out about disclosing.

MC said the most important thing is for me to figure out if T2 is a good fit for me. I said the fact that I felt comfortable opening up to him last week said something about that. How I thought I needed someone different. That if I picked someone exactly like MC or T1, that probably wouldn't work. MC said he didn't know if T2 was a good fit for me, that he didn't know if he himself was a good fit for me either.

I said that maybe I was also worried about what he (MC) would tell T2 about me. How, yes, he can say he has a positive image of me...but that I also worry that he'd be like, "Run while you still can! If she attaches to you, you'll never get rid of her! Wait, you've given her your e-mail address and cell number? Well, you're stuck now!" MC said he thought this was about my own thoughts about myself. I said probably. That why wouldn't T2 just prefer to work with someone who needs help with their serve (he does sports psychology, too), someone easier. MC commented on my use of the word "easy," like why would I assume he'd want someone easy? And why do I assume that I'm so difficult? I forget what I said to that.

MC said that just because I struggle with some issues, like anxiety, it doesn't make me a bad person. He said I'm a good person and an intelligent person; I just struggle with some things. It felt good to hear him say that--he seemed really genuine in how he was saying it.

I said I also worried that, because I'd talked about attachment stuff and had offhandedly mentioned that T2 would think I was borderline. And that I know some T's don't like to work with borderline clients. That I didn't think I was, but...I didn't know.

MC said that when he was in grad school, he was reading through a questionnaire with different personality disorders. His roommate was reading over his shoulder and said, "Oh, I'm that one," indicating borderline. MC said that if he asked a bunch of their friends, they'd probably all agree that "Joe" was borderline. But that he just thought of him as "Joe," and he's his best friend. So that it's not about labels or diagnoses. He also gave another example to illustrate it from when he was first starting out as a psychologist and was trying to treat a diagnosis, not a person.

Part of me wonders if he does think I'm borderline...but then I also feel like he was trying to say that it wouldn't matter if he thought that--how I'm just LT, not a walking diagnosis.

We were over time by that point, so had to wrap up. MC gave a summary where he mostly seemed like he was trying to reassure me about what we'd talked about. Saying he knew I'd worry about it later. Did the usual handshake and "Good to see you." He said "Take care" as we were walking out, and I said "You too."

I think it was a good session. MC seemed really present with me, like I felt he was being genuine in what he was saying, like he really meant it. He used the super caring voice a couple times in there, too. I just felt very connected to him and like he understood.