Last Thursday's (10/5) session

Session:
I was running late again and jogged about 2/3rds of the way in a round about way. I somehow got messed up and ended up going to 20th so I had to back track that left me running even later so I grabbed a bus at rode it up the 2 stops. I got in with 2 mins to spare. You came out and got me and we went back. You went into the room first and went over to close your closet door, I followed and closed the door.

Hi
Hi
I told you that I didn’t have anything specific to talk about, I said that I brought the puzzle again. You asked if we should do it and said that you .. shoot I don't remember your phrasing, I found it cute; basically, said that you let your wants be known. I went on to tell you about feeling like I’ve lost myself again. I told you that my head was fuzzy, not much sticking; not making new memories; and hard to reach my memories. I told you that even the ones I go to that are usually easy are hard to get to, to see; the buildings, floor plans of the houses from my childhood, even current house. You said that maybe it was a form of peaceful quietness after the emotional sessions. I agreed that it seemed to be the pattern with the last times I felt this. I returned to the concept of the puzzle. You said you had some cardboard boxes, I said I didn’t think they would be big enough. You went to get one and I got up to move to the floor. You asked how big it needed to be. I said 11x18. You thought the box would make a little tabletop. I saw the shelves that were tucked away and suggested one of them. You agreed and I brought it over and put it down. I struggled to get the cover off the puzzle but finally did. As I was doing it I thought, “hmmmm at what point would handing it to you to do… in that mommy fix it way…,” and then I chuckled to myself in my head without finishing the thought. I kept working it until I got the cover off. I opened the box and handed you the bag with the pieces. You asked if there was any particular way to open the bag. I said no, that they provided a zip lock bag for storage. You said that was nice of the puzzle makers and proceeded to open the bag. It opened easily and right across the seam. You commented on easy/nice that was. I pulled out the larger picture of the puzzle that was in the box. I thought that was nice to have. You poured out the pieces and we started separating out the edges from the middle. Once sorted, I pulled out the corners and we started putting together the edges. We ran out of room and you suggested using another board, so I got it. I also moved a pile of the pieces off the board to make room. I don’t remember us talking much during this portion other than about the puzzle.

We started putting together the puzzle and I started talking about random things. Eventually I talked about not going to the gym and my routine being off. I commented about needing to find some way to be more consistent with my workouts. Something was said about things being settled between wife and I by time I would be ready to return to the gym. I said I wasn’t sure. You questioned my comment. I said that I just can’t seem to find the right place, the way wife wants them to be. I was thinking about a night earlier in the week when I had put together my dinner and was about to sit at the table and wife said we didn’t have to, that we could sit at our computers. I didn’t bring this up, I don’t even think I journaled about it.

I brought up a friends questions on if I have rules for her. We talked about how I treat different people differently but those don’t feel like rules, more like considerations. I talked about how I use patterns to create expectations of people, and that can sometimes not be a good thing. Again, decided that those were not rules. That both of these things were more around how the other person behaves and what they need. The rules are more about how I behave and usually how I behave to try to not get hurt. Rules come from when bad things happen or might happen.

We talked some about the puzzle, I told you that it was between this one and a dinosaur puzzle. I showed you a piece of the puzzle that had an alien on it, I said that was what sold me on this one. You made comments about him being cute. I genderized the alien as a him. You asked me what we should call him, give him a name. I said I don’t know.

Later with the puzzle, I made the comment that I might need to start looking at the picture. You responded by clarifying if I had not been looking at the picture. I said no, that I would look if I needed to know where to place big portions but not a single piece. One of us said something about me just looking at what I had in front of me. You said you were going to try that. You said that you liked that. Also, I talked about bringing a larger puzzle, maybe 250 pieces puzzle. I said that we only have time to get through a 100 piece puzzle, you said that we could save it for other day.

Somehow, I brought up the topic of how I felt sharing my journal and about being different. That even when I am complimented, I dislike being different or the differences being pointed out; it breaks the illusion that I fit in. I told you how I can feel like the spot light is on me, how alone I feel, separate, different, a freak, not normal, not part of the group. What I was thinking was even with that group of people, I am weird and different; not normal. Never part of the group. feelings. When the differences are not pointed out I can pretend not to see them; pretend that I am welcomed and wanted in the group. I guess I don’t feel like when it gets right down to it that I belong.

Between talking about the rules and talking about being different, I stopped doing the puzzle and tried to curl into myself. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to think about the things that hurt me and lead me to create rules, I didn’t want to think about being different, of not belonging. After a few moments, I returned to doing the puzzle. I wondered if you noticed.

We’d finished the puzzle and talked about it staying at your office. I didn’t need it to stay. I said it wouldn’t fit on the shelf and it didn’t matter. You said it could go under the couch. I said something about you needing your selves. You said you didn’t need them right now. I said that then I wouldn’t have to carry the box home. You slid the puzzle under the couch and I put the box on the shelf next to the other one. We sat in the chairs. Why did you want it to stay? What was your thought process?

I said I had 2 more things to talk about, both around my surgeries. One being unsure about the hysterectomy. The other one was about how to discuss a delicate topic with the plastic surgeon.

Our time was up – over up.

Me: I love you
You: I know

I don’t remember if I said I’ll miss you.

Thank you and see you on Mondays. As I left and went to close the door, you moved away from the door. I don’t know if that was just in prep because you had someone after me or if it was in response to previous journal entry regarding the filing cabinet. You don’t have to move away from the door. I walked up the hallway and saw someone there, I was 3 mins into his time and gave you no time to transition. I’m sorry for that. I know it is not my responsibility. Still, I will try to be more mindful of our time. You have been very generous with your time. I hit midway of the stairs and you came out to get the person in the waiting room.