Hello everyone!

I am not sure if this is the place to talk about this but suicide is something that has been on my mind off and on again since high school back in 1980. Many of the women at work are surprised that I am not married. Unfortunately, what or how can you tell someone that you are a virgin and you have not even been on a date? Heck, I have not even kissed a girl yet. I just thought that someone would have shown a little interest by now. I mean, I have never even received a letter or valentines card from a woman, even anonymously and I yes I have tried online dating services and still struck out. It is as I am not there. Now I seem to be not even making eye contact anymore even in passing. When I do see a woman a beautiful woman in passing I usually now quietly say to myself “don’t worry about it, don’t think about it, it’s not going to happen. I’m not hoping for sex but I would love to find a best friend like that one who is as much interested in me as I am in them? I have such a feeling now that my time is up and that I fighting a loosing battle on this. I’m so tired of being sad and lonely 24/7. Most guys think about sex, a lot! I too from time to time think about sex, but I would give anything for someone who cared. I would love to just walk and talk with someone. What I think about most is just having a best friend.

I have such a hard time having a long conversation with strangers beyond asking something like how’s the weather. I seem only able to socialize with those I work with, once I get to know someone, I am fine and I calm down. Unfortunately, most of the women I work with are married. In High school wow, I was incredibly shy and a loner. Oddly, my sister is the exact opposite of me very outgoing and was popular in school. She was one grade behind me in school. Her senior year she gave a graduation party, when out parents were gone naturally, there must have been 80 students there. Everyone, but three or four of my sisters closest friends, did not know who I was, and most asked why I was there and were shocked to find out who I was. You know, right now I cannot think of a name of one person I went to school with. In College it was better at least I only strutted when attempting to ask a girl out but I usually just got laughed at. Unfortunately, though I did begin to gain weight and think about suicide went up quite a bit. Since then I really have gotten dangerously close a few times over the years. Oh, another strange aspect of all this is that I get uneasy if a restaurant becomes too crowded. While the rest of the family stays and has the usual after meal conversation, I always excuse myself and wait for everyone out side. Recently I read about a SAD Social Anxiety Disorder perhaps its part of the problem I do not know.

Recently I have gotten back in shape and I have lost most of my weight. Interestingly enough the drive in doing this has been for a woman at work. Recently I did try it and I asked a woman whom I have worked with for about 4 years. She is very tall and very nice to me. Much of what I feel for her is that I know so much about her from her from our casual conversations over the years. Until I met her, I had totally given up on women and I was trying to adjust to being alone. I find her warm, friendly, funny and beautiful. She is divorced and she has doing a fantastic job raising her 4 kids. How she interacts and is raising her kids really impresses me. She always has a positive attitude on it all. I would have loved to be the one helping her out with the kids and sharing her life. I so wanted a chance to make her happy! She knew I like her. The problem here is that I found out late that she is seeing another guy and other than just being friendly she has shown no interest in me at all beyond just being friends. Finally, about four weeks ago, she has moved on and is working with another company and I know I’ll never see her again. On the day she let everyone know that she was leaving, at lunch I went out to my car and cried.

At times, I feel like I’m being a total fool. Think about it. In the time I worked with her, for over a year now Monday thru Saturday I get up in the morning at 3:30am and walking 4-5 miles in the morning before work and another 3 miles after work. Add onto that on Mondays, Wednesday, and Friday nights I have been lifting weights after work for an hour. As for nutrition, it’s been chicken, seafood and veggies. All this, when I knew that there was nothing really between us and we would never happen! She sure was one hell of an incentive to get in shape. The funny or sad thing is that she will probably never know! Especially now, that she has taken another job. Still I just have it in my head that maybe tomorrow will be that day. That day when I’ll meet that person I have been looking for, a best friend? For now though, I’m trying my best to fight my loneliness and depressed. Good god so I am tired of being down and alone.

Now at times I do get down on my birthdays and with the close of another year. Either, event just makes me think that more time was gone and still nothing. Why should I keep going on feeling like this every day, every moment that I’m awake? Except for my folks who I know my death would affect deeply, who would care and who would know? Now as if, my problems could not get any worse. I was laid off from work two days ago.

This is just a brief taste of my issues with shyness, stutter, job issues and lack of companionship and friendship. Weather it’s due to shyness and inability to interact with strangers or possibly I have some symptoms of SAD I don’t know? Way back then I felt so sure that someone would have taken a chance by now; never dreamed it would end like this or that I would have lasted this long. At this moment I just cannot get a grasp on how talking to someone about all this could help. It sounds so weird; on the other hand, my life has not been normal that is for sure. I just took another of those web pop questioners for depression and I scored high again. It suggested I get help. Does anyone have suggestions, advice or perhaps a good link for finding a therapist for some one on one?

Thanks for listening!