Thank you so much everyone for replying, and supporting me in this. I feel much better today, though not yet completely at peace. I think that will come in time. Today I treated myself to a massage to help me relax. I should do that more often.

I felt like a bit of a baby asking people to come respond to my thread, but I'm glad that I did. It turned out to be a good way to care for myself, too: seeking out support. All your kind words and sound advice have helped me settle down a bit.

_zh , ty for your kind words. It is nice to see a familiar name! I enjoy meeting all the newer ppl here, but I was also very glad to find that some of the same ppl I know, and who know me, are still around. It's a comfort.

ty bebop for reminding me that we are not in control of life and death. Sometimes it's easy to forget that things like this are so much bigger than the ppl whose lives are affected by them.

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If not, they are probably so disengaged that they wouldnt make a good T.

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If you didn't care about the death of clients, you certainly wouldn't be "cut out" for this work.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> EV & Zorah that's a good point, though easy to forget. It's our humanity that makes the job hard, but it's also our humanity that makes us good at this line of work... and makes it worth doing. ty for the support! EV, it's good to be chatting with you again. You are such a sweetie.

Rhapsody ty SO MUCH for the hugs! I could almost feel them through the computer screen, and I needed them. I am so sorry about what happened to you and your daughter What a horrendous experience! I'm glad you've been able to find peace.

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my psychiatrist...spent an entire afternoon totally freaked out...that I had died and no one had told him.

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CB I think I know a small fraction of what he must have been feeling. I'm sure it meant a lot to you to know how much he cared. I hope my clients know that I care, even though I'm flawed and often not able to give them, or even really to know, what they need.

AAAAA ty for the hugs! I appreciate your validation... I really am so sickened to my very core by that man who took advantage of my client And so sad that they were in a position that they felt desperate enough to accept that treatment. The whole thing makes me physically nauseated. I know you have to accept people's choices about seeking treatment or not, but it's so hard when you're a caregiver...

Snowy ty for your hugs, too! </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
First I would like to say that it feels sooo good to hear that you actually care for your clients and not there because its "your job".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I don't think anyone can do this kind of work when they don't care. There is very little reward anyway, but if you didn't genuinely care for the people you work with... it simply would not be worth it. I think that's true for almost everyone in helping professions. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Look in your heart....did you do everything in your power to help that person with the knowledge you had?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I want to believe that I did... but it's so easy to second-guess myself. Thinking maybe I could have checked on her more often, found some way to motivate her to go the hospital, stayed on her case about it until she did... I don't know. Ultimately, she could not have lived. The damage was done over a decade before I met her, really. Still, it's hard, knowing that I make plenty of mistakes, to really feel sure I did all I could have. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Of course its always easier said then done....I know from experience. I still struggle with second guessing myself in a death.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I'm sorry to hear that. It's an awful experience

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Recently I've begun to remember how I've felt when I've been extremely ill, how "out of it" I've been and how quickly things can go (or how days just kind of fold into one another so they can't be told apart) and realize that what the person watching feels and thinks (with all their faculties) and what the person experiencing the event experiences, are very different things?

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Wow Perna, that's an interesting way to look at things. Taking that perspective REALLY helps me. I really must thank you for opening my mind up to that. Her experience was undoubtedly very different from my end of it. I know that she had long been wishing death would come and relieve her. ty again.

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Eventually, I learned that our involvement was limited yet very important in their lives. I learned that we cannot control the inevitable....we cannot control what others do or don't do for themselves. I also learned that what we CAN do and DO do for these folks is very important to them. Even if they don't see to reason....or don't acknowledge our help or take our advice, it doesn't mean that you weren't a stable and helpful force in their life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ty so much, Sabby, obviously you understand this experience all too well. Although I'm sorry anyone else has to go through this, it helps to feel less alone. ty for sharing.

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some people refuse to help themselves and no matter what you do, they win out

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That's true of most of my clients... a harsh reality, but one I really do need to be reminded of a lot. ty Melanie (I love that name, btw). and ty even more for this reminder about self-care and limits </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
know when to step away and protect yourself

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">. It's much needed... I tend to neglect that too much.

DePressMe That is SOOOOO sad! I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I'm also impressed that you still worked at that job. Not sure I could have kept on under those circumstances. ***TRIGGER**** I once had a friend here on PC who told me she was going to kill herself, and then did. I wanted so badly to find her T and shake her awake... but couldn't find her info because my friend hadn't given me quite enough details Eventually, I received word from her husband that she had died of suicide. (She had offered to include me on the list of people to contact, which she included with her suicide note. I asked her to make sure I knew, if she did follow through. I didn't want to have to wonder. I needed closure). I tried so hard to talk her out of it, to no avail. Anyway, awful experience. I'd imagine yours was even worse, knowing your client IRL and feeling responsible for her care. So sorry you went through that!

Chocolatelover I know I've just recently started to get acquainted, but can I just say that already I love you?! My word, you write so beautifully. Your post warmed up my heart ty for your kind and lovely words. Are you a writer IRL? btw, I meant to tell you in another thread & didn't, but I'm Native as well (Chippewa). Nice to see you out there representing

ty Curley. You are probably right, that I need to find the middle ground between my coworkers' reactions and mine... I'm getting there. ty for your support and sound advice!

*hugs* all around. tks again everyone for your support!!!

Love, SC/Angela