Thank you all for caring to post a reply I was a little shocked when I returned tonight and saw 10 replies for ME -

While I now know that it was not my fault and that NO ONE and I mean NO ONE can prevent DEATH...... back then it was hard not to blame myself for the first year or two after her death, for I often wonder why I had to go thru my mental break down around that time and needed to get away from even my family as to regain what little sanity I still had left in me.

My past abuse issues: my biological fathers rejection and abandonment, my step fathers alcoholic days, my moms lack of support, my DID finally showing its self and a few other issues mixed with the ten years of giving care to a 100% disable child just seemed to get the best of me and uprooted all that I hid from - I had to run in order to survive (and) I hated myself for not being strong enough to make it six more months, for then I was not aware that was the amount of time left in my sweet little precious girls life.

I still remember returning home and getting to the hospital a day before she actually passed away..... she no longer looked like the daughter I had left behind just a few short weeks before.... her body was all swollen from her organs shutting down one by one and she was no longer able to open her sweet little brown eyes for me to see.

I felt like the rat the cat had drug thru the cutters and no longer wanted for it now stank of failure and loss of compassion - for how could a person barely hanging on and on the verge of a mental break down her self care for another...... I hated that I was so numb at that moment of sorrow in my life and I felt so confused for it was a bitter sweet sorrow to me.

I wasn't able to cry for the loss of my daughter for months to come......
I was so doped up on several depression medicines that I could not even remember the actual funeral (still can't).... I can see me sitting in the pews at the beginning of the funeral and then me sitting in the chairs at the gave site, but nothing in between.

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That's all for now........ I have to leave this area of pain before I ?????????? - I just need to leave.