I had so many dreams last night...in the dream I saw all the ways I had grown up learning to take care of others instead of myself...I was taught that not putting my adoptive mothers feelings first was unnpardonable...I am so glad my friend said I was controlling..its made look it up and read about controlling and detachment...I thought taking an interest in my life my feelings first was selfish...I also had led myself to believe that if I appear the most caring friend, that will make me an idealised friend someone you wouldnt be able to live without...I thought if you dont pour symphaphy and lots of words and thoughts on someone you were less then caring...infact I had disappeared up my own arse and simple ceased to exist except where taking care of another wsa concerned and where my battle to be never abandoned was concerned other then this I haven't really had a real relationship with myself or anyone...I wrote my friend this morning thanking her for giving me the chance to see this and that in future if I seem aloof, its nothing to do with her or us its me trying to find what a healthy relationship really is....i never, ever want to go back to how it was...