well its been 3weeks, this is the second longest break we have apart from the 5 summer break. The maddness of xmas helps it go faster as the weeks are taken up with holidays and confusion LOL!.

I've been having a wierd time with a friend (posted in personality forum) so that has taken my mind of T to some extent. Of course some of this I expect will also be about T, my anger at not being able to make her stay with me. But I think I have learnt a lot this break, the reality that T cannot be with all the time, the reality that I will never find out who I am if T was never going to give me the space to grow. Not that breaks about that, that would be making it all about me, me, me again LOL!

I do feel I have a greater sense of me growing now, I do see the start of the light at the end of the tunnel now.

I've been doing some reading on controlling and detachment and thats opened my eyes to a lot also. My battle has been what it was growing up also, my need to control how I get loved and cared about, my frutstration at not being able to control T, I know she smiles when I say to her that can't control her. In my frustration I've thought her evil for not allowing me to control her. The anxiety is starting to settle I think, I think I can trust T will be there for me and I don't have to keep making sure of that. Its taken over 3yrs to get here! Its funny because I use to think I had to be involved completely in my childrens lifes, now I can stand back and allow them their journey also, makes life much calmer.