*** This could possibly be triggering ***

I'm on my phone and can't put the trigger alert.

Just wanted to put that here.

My mom is having surgery tomorrow morning. She's having a surgery to remove her breast. They found a small cancerous rice sized spot.

Instead of having the spot removed, she chose the other option.

I don't really have words to say how I feel.

I called her to let her know that I would be there for her tomorrow, but she let me know that there were going to be several people there for her. I would probably have to look for a seat.

Ok.

Sad.

Alone.

I think I need to grieve this but I don't know how. I don't want to give up on my little one who has always wanted to feel loved and wanted.

What do I tell her to comfort her heart? What do I tell her that helps her understand and accept that the mom she has wanted and tried to be good enough for..... just isn't?

I don't even want to go and be there tomorrow. I really don't!!!

I'm remembering a Mothers Day, many years ago. I didn't call her and wish her a happy day. She called me and was very angry. Pissed actually. I felt bad. Guilty.

That is earned and not expected though.

Right?

Thank you for hearing me.

I really don't want to go tomorrow, but I guess I will.

That makes my heart sad.

I so wish it was different.