I realized it's not just because of my body which I hate, but profound self hate in general. Because of all those overwhelming feelings I've been experiencing since childhood, that I don't know how to cope with, which makes me feel so powerless and helpless. It makes me feel so weak that I just bloody hate myself.

I seem to be identifying with these feelings so much, since they are so deep and intense, that they also produce the most intense sexual fantasies.
Especially when I'm already feeling particularly down, weak and ugly and am somehow confronted with these feelings, sexual fantasies of humiliation and being at the mercy of sb. appear. It's almost like I enjoy being helpless so much, because I think I don't deserve otherwise and those orgasmic highs I've had because of it keep me coming back.