So I've decided to take some action in the presentation part of my transition. I've known for a few years that I'm trans but it's been nothing but confusion for me, except for these tiny moments of clarity in which, when I envision transitioning, the idea of being able to live full time as a guy seems like a welcome breath of fresh air. The only problem is that due to various physical and mental health issues, I don't know to what extent I'll ever be able to take medical steps, like surgeries and possibly even hormones. I'll take it one step at a time but I'm worried.

I'm going to buy some clothes and start with that. I'm thinking even of cutting my hair. I did that last year, cut my hair ultra-short and it was interesting. I've never been someone to adhere to a specific look, even in my time as a woman; I've always been a tomboy, and I've always dressed and wore my hair how I wanted to. This just feels so much different. Ironically I've already told a lot of people close to me that I'm trans, and nobody's reacted terribly which is nice. I've been prepared to distance myself from anyone who can't be supportive. My partner has already made it clear that she'll love me no matter what my gender, or how or if I choose to physically transition. So I don't have to worry about losing my partner.

For me it's tied mostly in fear of the unknown, which is rooted solidly in OCD. But I feel like if I don't do something soon it's just going to get worse because I feel like I'm lying all the time about who I am, to myself. I do have a bit of fear around not passing, but ultimately I'm more afraid of my relationship with myself, and that no matter what I do I'll never be right with myself. Sometimes I worry that I'm not actually trans, that it's all in my head (so to speak) but I know it's not true because I've felt like a boy since I was a kid. I know because I can no longer identify as 'female' on applications with only two options without feeling icky, but at the same time I haven't legally changed my name or gender and I don't want there to be any problems so I just keep checking off 'female' where necessary. For all social media, and even at my university, I've been using my preferred name for quite a while.

Anyway, I guess this is sort of a ramble. If anyone reads this, and is dealing with transition (or did so in the past) in the face of dealing with OCD and other intrusive anxiety issues, I welcome your thoughts, or to share your experiences/advice with me if you feel comfortable doing so. I will check this thread just in case, but you can also feel free to private message me. I really need some support right now. Thanks!