i feel empty, no, just some void....

and unreal.... or better, non-existent....

its as if... i need someone to make me real, existent. maybe a stranger? someone in person, real, someone interested in me....as if i was someone interesting. or with a real life. someone to make me feel alive.

i need to drink. its been a long time since the last time. now i've resisted the urge for about 10 days but i need to give in. its better than SHing.... i dont feel like SHing, not sure why.... i still get the visions of it though.

the only reason i've resisted drinking so far is calories. i dont want to get fat again. but i still use food as comfort. i even write lists of what i want to eat next.... contrasting feelings.... i want to disappear.