Hello,
This is another night where I find myself unable to sleep at night. I think of my grandma or I think of the friends who have left me.

So heres my story. Two days before the first day of my senior year in college my grandma had a massive stroke. I spent the next semester shuttling back and forth between her nursing home and my school which were three hours apart. Up until then I had been a leader, a good friend to many, and a good student. I managed to end the semester with decent grades, but I was no where near the person I was.

The other half of this story was about my roommate and my best friend who started dating. I had been best friends with this boy for a long time (or so I thought), but things changed when I started dating my current boyfriend. He seemed removed, hostile and disinterested. Then he started dating my roommate and was sleeping in our room every night of the week. I sat them both down and said it had to stop, and thus begun the never ending months of awkwardness. My roommate eventually told me that my friend had had a crush on me, which made things even worse. This was all happening while my grandma lay dying three hours away.

She died about three weeks into my winter break. I dont think I will ever stop missing her. My mom was not strong enough, so I was the one to view her body and sign off at the funeral home. It felt good to know I was a big help to my mother, and I am happy I saw her. Winter break ended, I went back to school.

Things between me, my ex best friend and my roommate only deteriorated further. Now the ex best friend moved into the house right next to ours, and my roommate slept there every night. When I said I wanted them to not sleep together in our shared room every night, I did not think that I would lose my three year long roommate. I had no one to talk to about it because all of our friends were shared. I cried most nights.

Now I am graduated and trying to get into occupational therapy schools. I had talked with my roommate about this at the beginning of the summer, and it seemed like it went well and she said that she would write me while I was away for the summer. We now have not spoken in over 5 months. I have not spoken to my ex best friend since I graduated college. They are still together.

Regardless of my accomplishments I go to bed every night feeling like a friendless failure who will never get to her goals. I have a hard time sleeping, getting to my classes or work and see nearly all of my relationships with family and friends deteriorating around me. Lots of suicidal thoughts have been popping up. I watch netflix to distract myself. Every time I am quietly with myself, the face of my grandma, or the faces of my two lost friends enter into my mind. I just want to not feel anymore.