Monday - 10/9 Session
5:30pm – so today wasn’t too bad of a day for me going into session. I left too late to walk or so I felt but I was able to catch the earlier bus and I already had 14,000 steps, I figured I was good to go that way. I got to the office and used the bathroom. The light on the button was already on, I pushed it and it went off. I pushed it again and it went back on, or so it seemed. I went into the waiting room and pulled out my stack of books. I sat down and I waited. Your previous person left, then you came out and I thought you were going to use the restroom then you looked in the waiting room and saw me. The button was off. You said something about the button being off. I said that I pushed it but I had to play with it some today. You said you were glad you came out and checked. Me too. I asked if you were ready for me, you said yes, and we headed back.

You offered to close the door since my hands were full, I went and sat down. You went to sit in the chair diagonal to me rather than across to me. You moved, I asked if you prefer the other chair (because I could move). You said no, that you try to sit across from where ever the other person sits. Sometimes you are used to sitting in the chare from previous person that you automatically go to it.

Hi
Hi
How are you? Good
How are you? I’m ok, ok. It’s kind of bouncing. Mood, likes, memories, “I love you”. One day it is there the next it isn’t.
You commented on it being unpredictable.

I said that today was a better day. I had the I love you back. I didn’t have likes back. I have memories, sometimes. We talked a bit more about how this is not new for me. It doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t like not knowing who I am. It’s not a good place to be.

I turned to the pile of books. I told you that I went to the library book sale over the weekend and pulled out “the giving tree”. I handed it to you and said that I got you your own copy. You thanked me, and smelled it. I reached for it back and I said that when I was looking through it to make sure there were not marks, I came across this one section that I had not remembered from before. It was the page where the man had taken the truck of the tree to make a boat and the narrator said that the tree was happy, but not really. You said not really happy, I agreed, not really happy.

I moved onto the other books in my pile. I shared with you the books I bought for a friend. We talked briefly about them. I told you about the you smelled them. You did not read either of them.

I told you that I wanted you to read this book but not read it to me. You said ok. Then I handed you the Ask Me book ().

As you read it, I slipped onto the floor and read the Art book again. You finished the book and looked down at me. You said something about the book, I don’t recall. You commented on me moving to the floor and asked if I wanted you to move to the floor. I said if you wanted. You said you did and moved down across from me. You put the book on your legs and left it propped up so I could see the cover and the title. I thought I was ready for this book, I wasn’t. I kept looking at the title and so many thoughts, feelings, and nothing at all – buzzing in my ears/head. I was quiet for a very long time. I didn’t know what to say, I thought if I opened my mouth nonsense would come out as I tried to say all the different thoughts at once. I pulled my legs up tight to me and sat there. I would look at the book and a way, I would try to grab a thought that was coherent enough to say aloud, one that would have stayed together long enough for me to share. I looked around the room, and stayed in silence. You waited for me to talk. At times, I would get a slight smile, it would pass and I still didn’t talk. Those were the moments of realizing that time was passing and I was losing my time with you in this silence. I still couldn’t talk. Usually that is enough to get me talking again. You waited.

I don’t remember what my first statement was, eventually I did start talking about the book.

I said that I couldn’t relate to the girl. You said something about the dad being curious. I said you. You are curious. You agreed that you are curious.
I said that I also couldn’t relate to the girl asking to be asked.

I said something about being ridiculed for my likes and that I don’t remember being asked. I was thinking but didn’t say, kids need that don’t they?

You said something that lead me to asking about my writing to you regarding secrets. Don’t tell them because then they can take it away – physically or emotionally. I pondered for a moment about something, then I remembered about a book I did not bring. I asked you if you if you knew the book called “the foolish turtle” (). You said that you didn’t recognize the title but might know the story. I had the title slightly wrong, it is called “The Foolish Tortoise”. I gave you a brief summary of the story: How the turtle wanted to move faster so he took off his shell. He was able to move faster; however, all these bad things happened. He wished he hadn’t been so bold. Then he decided to go home. On his way home he came across his shell and climbed back in – all the way in; and went to sleep. You asked what next, I said that was the end. You said warm and safe. You asked me if I felt that way. I said yes, that I wrote about that – about not asking for something for fear of losing what you already have. I was thinking about what I was losing with wife in this journey and I was thinking, please don’t take away touch, please don’t take away anything.

Watching the video of the “Ask Me” book, I remembered that another part of the book that drew me to it, was how the father parroted the little girl’s requests exactly throughout the majority of the book. An example is the little girl saying, “what else do I like?” and the father responded with, “what else do you like?” In this one she didn’t ask him to ask her something, she just said the question she wanted asked. I feel like this is a process of internalizing the dialog. There’s also something else here, something about this that feels good, feels attended to, or feels heard… not sure exactly what it is,

Somehow the topic changed to me talking deferring my likes to someone else. I told you that it is not that I start liking or believing what the other person likes or believes. I am able to keep them separate. I defer their likes over mine.

I said that I wished wife would make my schedule so I would have a routine/structure that would help me keep the body I am creating and give her what she wants/needs. Talked about wife and our relationship. I described several events over the last week that highlighted some of my struggles with where things are in the relationship. I voiced my concerns about the state of things. Several things were brought up that might be good topics for the couple’s counselor (gym & cell phone, dismissed from table, sighing in car). You asked when we saw him again, I said on Friday. You tried to play the “what would it be like to talk about x” game. I did not play along. I made the comment of how I felt about things as we moved down the path. You asked if it was you and I, I clarified that it was wife and I.

The alarm on my watch went off and I handed you my journal. I started to pack up as we said some stuff. Then I said our time was up and you said yes. There were lots of breathing together. I didn’t want to go. We moved to sitting on the furniture. More breathing. Finally, I whispered, “I love you”. You softly said “I know”. I didn’t want to say that I would miss you. I didn’t think I could say it without really starting to cry. More breaths. I thanked you for your email. You thanked me for reaching out. I said, “I feel very alone”. You said, “I’m here”. I said, “you are not in here anymore” and I rubbed my chest. I wasn’t feeling the “I love you” either, even though I said the words. I was feeling something more overwhelming and sad. You said that maybe you were in there but I couldn’t feel you/it. I wiped my tears and headed for the door. Comments were made about seeing me on Thursday. I yeah yeah in my head. Thursday is not today, not now.