psych appointment today... following up for discharge from hospital...

going through a lot not just for myself... but family problems too...
all the time as usual...

i was doing ok past couple days keeping spirits up with not only myself but with brother that leaving his girlfriend and staying with us and his kids staying with us too

but now its like that reality is weird and i feel so disconnected and i just dont wanna be here anymore...

its like shifting from many realities... i just feel so drugged up like some one gave me something and i dont know who i am... i dont know where i am...
i dont understand whats going on... why do i have so little control over this...

i am not on drugs... i am sober...

it makes me want to get ****ed up and say **** it all because i hate going through all of this... people not understanding... thinking im a fraud... because i can be really good sometimes and really helping others out like i like to do and then all of a sudden be like this...

i dont know what happened, i dont remember the past very much... i just know that i have been trying really hard to keep my brother in the right state of mind and keep from going back to a stupid *****... dealing with the kids having to give up my space and dealing with lots of noise and... i dunno... whats it matter because i was suffering even before they were here so dont see what the difference is..

just sucks because i was just released from the hospital and into all of this... but i knew it was all coming...

just wish i wasnt so dizzy... so foggy... so out of it...

i want to dissapear... i cant stand being like this... want to just be like the other person happy and helping all the time...

i dont know if i am going to be able to talk and get everything i needed to say across at the appointment today... seems to always happen at my appointments... and watch... ill probably go in and they will say something like "you look good today!" and ill feel confused and end up coming out as everything is fine un able to speak... but having something else inside of me speak as everything is ok and the way things were when i was ok for those couple of days when i was ok and forgetting about the 99% of the time when i am not ok...